I'm NOT A Sad Story
by Nikki515
Summary: "The blood is a deep red, with a black tint in random spots. The palm of my hand is now a pool filled with blood." In which Ciel tries to kill himself after a traumatic event six years prior. Contains self harm and mentions of rape.
1. The Urge

**Nikki: Well this is a depressing one for you people. I don't know what made me think of this but something did so enjoy. Or cry. Whatever floats your boat.**

**Discaimer: Does it look like I'm a rich person who makes millions off of Ciel Phantomhive's ass? No? Didn't think so.**

Torture Time

Prologue

My room is dark…pitch black. It looks…dead to everyone who enters, except me.

My name is Ciel Phantomhive; I am a 16 year old male. I love the dark and I am afraid of the light.

…And this is my story.

Chapter 1

I wake up with the sun flashing brightly through my bluish-black curtains. I frown at the thought of the day before me. My body feels limp and I feel like groaning. I don't though, because I am scared that if I do** they **will know where I am.

I know they can't find me anymore (they have been in jail for 3 years) but I won't putting what they did to me six years ago behind me. Either way I'm not pushing my luck. You can never be sure of what-or who- is waiting for you out there.

It's 6:52 in the morning here in Brooklyn, New York. I would go back to sleep but decide against it. I can't go to sleep unless I bawl my eyes out until I pass out. Not to mention, I really do not want my body to be wracked by convulsions because of my nightmares so early in the morning. Even if I could sleep, my mom is coming to wake me up in about 8 minutes, so it doesn't matter.

My schedule is the same every day. My mom will wake me at 7:00 sharp; I will get dressed; eat breakfast in my room by myself, then go to my three-hour homeschooling session. My mornings are always the same and I like it that way.

I know what you guys are thinking. Why am I homeschooled instead of going to public school like the friends used to have? Well, I'm a special case. I used to go to public school…that is before the incident, I did. Afterwards I never was the same. Everyone says that I became distant and socially awkward. That I grew more and more separate; my parents got worried about my social skills and took me out. My hope of ever being normal again was ruined because of… **them.**

What happened to my old friends? I don't think they know me anymore. They probably think I'm dead. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was.

I can feel tears well up in my eyes at the thought. My friends believe I'm dead because we needed a story. Everyone knows what happened to me, so my parents said that **they **tormented me and I killed myself. At least that's the story the 'rents made up.

The tears are now threatening to fall from my eyes. Though before they do, someone starts knocking on my door and it takes the place of my one track mind. I wipe the tears out my eyes and I shuffle out of bed.

I open the door and my mom is there in her robe and with some pancakes on a tray.

"Good morning, honey. How are you?" My mother says in a sickly sweet voice.

I slap a smile on my face and mutter," I'm good. What am I learning today?" She pushes me aside and enters my room. She knows from experience that I will not let her in unless she forced me to.

She looks at me and mentions nothing about my possible puffy cerulean eyes. "In history you will be learning about the revolution. In math, calculus. In science, chemistry." She states handing over the plate and a bottle of aunt Jemima's syrup.

I just nod but internally I groan at the schedule, history seemed to be interesting (it is my favorite class). Math and science though is just…blegh. I don't even want to think about my least favorite classes.

My mom exits the room and I go to the window. I rarely go outside but today does look promising. It's cloudy and the sky looks about ready to slam down a big helping of rain. No one goes outside in the rain, its common sense. When no one is around is what I love best… except writing. I like writing just a little bit better.

I munch on my pancakes, once in a while I will pour a thick glob of syrup into my mouth.

If my friend Lizzy saw me right now she would probably say, "You sugar-a-holic. If you keep eating like that you're going to get fat." I keep chomping on the cakes until I finish them.

I walk three floors down to the pastel colored kitchen and dining room. And, like always my mother is waiting for me there. My dad is at work today…I think but he barely is here anyway. If you didn't know my family you would think my parents were divorced. Mom snatches the plate from my hands and quickly scrubs the dish back to its spotless quality it was until I got through with it. I seat myself at the table and glance at the walls. The reason why the walls always draw my attention is because nothing hangs from them.

The walls are bare; _no family portraits, no baby pictures, nothing. _I never likedpictures so we had very few of them of myself. Then the ones we did own were burned by them. They thought it would be funny, hilarious even. (The same way I found it plenty amusing when they got put behind bars.) I thought it was some sick joke. They burned my parent's memories and killed me at the same time. What a wonderful way to ruin a family, don't you think?

"Ciel, honey?" Mom calls for me. I realize she has a sense of urgency and concern in her tone. I'm clenching my fists so hard red crescents are forming on my palms and my jaw is aching from the strain of gritting my teeth.

I pause for a moment to compose myself. My jaw and fists relax. I face my mother, feigning innocence.

"Yes, mom? What's wrong?"

"Are you okay? You seem to be spacing out a lot lately." She wipes her hands on a towel hanging from a rack and presses her palm to my forehead.

I wince at the contact, my breathing becomes labored and I start to form a tight fist once again. I feel like slapping her hands away and yelling at her not to touch me. Though in the back of my mind I have a sliver of sanity I haven't lost yet and it speaks to me (maybe I have lost _all _of my sanity). It tells me_: she is your mother; she will not hurt you. _The thought soothes me enough to let her check my temperature for two seconds.

"You don't seem to have a fever. Are you positive you are feeling okay?" My mother's eyebrows are furrowed and her small nose is scrunched up in worry.

"I'm fine, mom." I throw another smile at her and continue, "I'm going to go to my room and change. I'll be done by the time Angela gets here."

I disappear from the room before she can protest or say anything. Angela is my tutor and she is 24 and an okay person. Though she is a bit on the coo-coo side she makes everything fun. She has been my tutor since before the Incident.

I run back into my room. The walls are the same shade of blue as my eyes (dark azure with a hint of lavender mixed in). /I have an adjoined bathroom within my bedroom. I peel off my nightclothes- finally remembering that they are still on- and start to throw on random clothes from my closet.

After changing into a plain blue dress shirt and stone washed black jeans, I crawl into bed again. I am not a morning, nor am I a day person at all. I feel like falling asleep again but choose not to because I know someone could see my puffy eyes and stained cheeks if I start crying now. Also it would be best not to keep Angela waiting (God forbid I am ever late again).

I remember when I hated Angela (even more now) I did some really bad things. My mom said I spilled tomato juice on her white dress and pushed her down the stairs because I _**loved **_her once. My dad understood that I loathed her- it's a guy thing. Though the feeling is mutual, I guess, because she calls me 'filth' when she sees me. I don't mind her teaching me but she scares the schnitzels out of me when I'm late for classes.  
Who cares if I ruined her dress, or broke her arm or-.

Once again my thoughts are cut off by something. It was a bird chirping loudly while perched on the tree outside my window. I hate birds (I hate all animals but no need to get technical). My parents just **had **to give me the room in the back. It has caused me so much trouble that stupid tree and dumb backyard.

My fists start to clench again. I close my eyes literally reliving the memories.

_They break through the window. The glass window shattered and I awoke abruptly in my room. My heart raced at the sight of two guys standing in front of me. My mind questioned how they came through the window of a room on the third floor. _

_Then one of them speaks._

"_Hello boy. Where are your mom and dad?" Goon One spoke in a bitter sweet tone._

_In my moment of panic, I responded hastily without thinking._

"_Mommy and daddy are not home. They are coming back tomorrow." My voice contained the last piece of innocence the Earth would ever see from me._

"_Perfect." With that it was too late to realize that Goon Two was missing from his partner in crime's side._

_A rag is slapped across my mouth and nose, cutting off all oxygen from entering my lungs. I try to breath in my naivety and breathe in chloroform from the dingy fabric. My eyes roll into the back of my head and I knock out like a light._

My breath is hard and I feel raw rage, at myself and at **them**. At myself, for telling them I was basically alone. At them since they are the cause of my pain and they had done this to me.

I sit down in the middle of my bed and clutch my knees to my chest. I'm sweating and tears are threatening to fall again. I swallow harshly but the lump in my throat won't vanish no matter how hard I try. I start to rock back and forth like a mental person would. I let out shaky breath after shaky breath and blink a few times to dismiss the tears from my eyes. The action is futile though and the blinking forces the water out of my eyes.

The tears spill out from underneath my eyelids. They don't make it any further than the bridge of my nose before I wipe them away. Even though this room is supposed to be my comfort zone and I should feel safe, I don't.

[.*.*.*.*]

After tutoring, I make a sandwich for myself. It has turkey and cheese on toasted bread because it's so simple. I like simple things; odd enough my life is anything but. Oh, the irony.

I'm tired and my limbs feel heavy. I haven't even fallen asleep yet. I'm hungry, tired and unsocial all at the same time right now. Basically I am dead at the moment.

I feel like I just ran a marathon. It's amazing because I haven't even been outside in about… I don't know… 8 months? I'm a very skinny boy with slate gray hair and ugly cerulean blue eyes. My arms and legs are sticks. They are so fragile I'm scared of breaking them by walking down the stairs.

I was a chubby boy as a kid, but everyone said I was a beautiful and rare sight to see. And look at me now. I have the worst of everything.

Well maybe not the worst. They are guys like me that are killed after someone hurt them.

I could be dead. But who cares? Since I'm already dead inside.

I kind of care but that stuff don't matter.

_I'm arguing with myself. I am driving myself insane. Maybe I should see a therapist, then again therapist- the rapist._

I shudder at my own thoughts.

"I'm going to kill myself before my 21st birthday. I can tell. Why can't my life go the way **I** want it to?"

I almost punch the wall due to the frustration I cause myself.

Oh and did I ever mention that I have a few anger management issues?

"What am I saying? Who knows how I'm going to pass on? Whether I kill myself or others do it for me hasn't been decided.

I throw myself back on the bed and sprawl out. I start to chuckle then break out into laughter. I sound like a total madman but I guess its okay.

My laughter dies and the amused grin on my face fades. Once again I'm left to my own devices in utter silence.

I crouch onto my knees and look around as if searching for something. My mind is full of thoughts and questions, yet I have no desire to reply to them.

I try to break the pregnant silence in the room by voicing out the first thing that comes to mind.

"What do I have to live for?"

I think about it more and more. My heart tells me about Angela, my mom and my dad. My brain on the other hand says the first thing that comes to mind.

"What do I have to live for?"

I think about it more and more. My heart tells me about Angela, my mom and my dad. My brain on the other hand says, 'you have nothing. No one loves you, you are just a burden. Why live when you just cause trouble?"

I walk into my bathroom and splash frigid water on m face. I try to relieve myself of the thoughts but it doesn't work.

…Then I see the small needle; my mom must have left it here when she fixed my jeans last week.

I pick it up and twirl it around it between my pointer fingers and thumb. The sharp point glides over my skin with ease. The pain caused is a little sting… and **I love the sensation. **My brain craves for more and I make sure to give in to the urge.

**Nikki: Yeah, so tell me what you think of the story. If it sucks, I know already. If it happens to be good, wow why don't you tell me that.**

**REVIEW! PLEASE, OH PLEASE!**


	2. Experimenting?

**Nikki: Oh my god! I love all of my readers! So I'm going to take the time to reply to the reviews I got.**

**XxDARKxX: I hope you love it even more as the story goes on. I'm trying to type the story down from my notebook as fast as I can so please be patient. Thanks for being my first reviewer!**

**Shiroyuuko: Okay, okay! Don't hurt me! I'm typing as fast as I can. I love Ciel like this too. Thanks for reviewing!**

**LOL (): I almost cried for Ciel, and I made him like that. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Don't know where I came up with the disclaimer it just popped up on the screen. Thanks for reviewing!**

**ThatsRightKeepStarin: I've never read it until I read this review. This story was from my creative writing class from way back when! I knew this story was an idea a lot of people had, so I wanted to make it my own. But hey, great minds think alike! Thanks for reviewing!**

**Promocat: I know right, but I know what's going to happen in the end so I shouldn't really say anything, yet. Sebastian's going to show up very soon. HEHEHEHE…**

**Jenmoon1: Here's your update. **

**Disclaimer: I am not making money off of Ciel Phantomhive. So I'll just make money like every other person, by hoping to win the lotto.**

I'm standing in my bathroom, my wrist and upper arms are covered in tiny cuts. I've never done this before, but I never expected it to hurt so… little. I expected a searing burn not a little sting. It's too late to stop though, the damage is done.

My left arm is in the sink and blood is trailing down my arm. Perhaps those cuts weren't as small as I thought…

The blood is a deep red; with a black tint at random spots. The palm of my hand is now a pool filled with blood. The sight is disgusting and elegant at the same time.

My arms feel heavy again, but not with sleep this time. This time the heaviness is a deep empty feeling. Maybe…I should stop the insistent bleeding.

I want to fall asleep but I don't think I should. I'm starting to see dots form in front of my eyes. I'm thinking I should scream for help but I can't find the voice within myself.

Damn, I should have stopped the second the bleeding got worse. My conscience said I should, but I didn't listen. Now it's too late and by the time my mom finds me I'll be a rotting corpse.

I'm starting to think, _I wanted this to happen.__I wanted to die._ It doesn't seem bad, dying I mean… Cutting was a mistake from the beginning. I knew this was going to happen.

The dots are getting bigger and bigger. At one point they even seem to cover both of my eyes for long periods of time.

I'm still conscious I can tell. I still feel the numb yet searing pain in my left arm. From the T.V. shows I've watched and books I've read, you are supposed to feel nothing when you pass out. At least that's what I hope. Or else this is going to be one painful experience.

Is it just me or does the bathroom look darker than before? Has it always been so cold in here too?

Shit! I'm so dead…literally.  
Then everything went dead… and black.

**[*.*.*.*]**

It's red. Everything is red… I want to scream for I know what is going to happen. I see a face flash before my eyes before the shrill sound can come out though.

I recognize the face, but before I scream at the sight of my attacker, the second one appears. This time when I try to scream the sound doesn't even form in my throat. I try again; the person I am is very persistent. Though I don't hear anything but a small distant voice.

"Ciel. Ciel! CIEL!" The voice is getting urgent- I couldn't care less.

Someone is touching me. It's a desperate sort of shove.

"Ciel, please wake up!" Now it's a wail-like sob.

Is that my mother's voice? It sounds like her but what would she be doing in hell with me. I'm sure she wouldn't have killed herself. She has so much to live for. So what in the world is going on?

"GOD DAMMIT CIEL WAKE UP!" The voice is angry and cracking. I feel like I should probably respond to the voice but the darkness is so calm and comforting. I don't want to leave it.

"I said wake up!" I feel like someone is touching me on my legs. Thank God they are smart enough to not touch my arms; I think I would die _again _if they did. My mother used to shake my legs like this for months after the accident. In actuality it does feel like my mother's hands and it sounds like her. Could I still be alive?

The thought alone frightens me, and I bolt up in the bed I can guess I'm in.

**[*.*.*.*]**

It's a sterile room. The walls and curtains are unadulterated white. I'm lying in an equally white bed, with unstained pure white bed sheets. Located next to me is an IV filled with a clear liquid in a bad and a deep red colored material next to it. I hope the red liquid is not what I think it is. (I'm just going to say it's Kool-Aid. Everyone likes Kool-Aid).

The hospital seems to be silent, with the exception of the monitor's dead-fast beating. I gulp at the sight of my mom and dad. I start to raise my left arm to wave with a nervous smile… though I can't. I visibly wince at the feeling shooting through my arm.

It's like a painful numb. The pain I got from cutting was nothing compared to this. This was like a million times worse. It hurt so much, like getting struck by lightning and getting shot in the head, 40 times.

I grab the miniscule bicep on my forearm. I can tell there are bandages around my arm.

My mom is crying and glaring daggers at me. The actions make me feel bad. I'm her only child, the multiple children she wished to have in her dreams died by a notice from a doctor. She was not meant to conceive a child. She lost a child before me, but it just happened to be that I lived. My mom already lost one child- I don't think she can bear letting another slip through her trembling hands.

My dad is looking at me with hate and repulse in his gray orbs. I could name every word I saw he was calling me in his head. I won't though because it isn't very nice language. My dad never liked me for some reason. He probably hates me because he never wanted kids and after he was rid of one another came- and lived.

There's a doctor next to my parents. He looks serious but there's a hint of mischief in his eyes. It's almost as if this is all a façade he put on since my parents are here.

I like him, I mean, I like it.

"Hello Ciel," That doctor says in a deep smooth voice. "I'm Sebastian Michaelis. It's nice to meet you." He continues and I must look like a complete idiot.

"I'm Ciel. It's nice to meet you to." I say bluntly. Now I look like a bigger idiot because I introduced myself when he obviously knows me.

"Excuse me Sebastian, but could you leave us alone with our son for a while." My dad joins the conversation and is hugging my mother for comfort. I'm pleading in my head that Sebastian is smart enough to realize that he shouldn't leave me alone.

"Sure, I'll leave you for a while." I'm cursing him because apparently he isn't the brightest.

"Ciel." It's my dad and his serious tone again. I noticeably gulp and shift to face my parents again.

"Hi mom. Hello father." I try to get away with my dangerous deed by throwing in a smile and sickly sweet tones.

Dad winces at how I utter his name. It's almost as if accusing him of doing something to me, which I am. He's never home and it makes mom sad in turn making me depressed, so that I did this to myself.

At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself to believe. It's futile though, I know it's all a lie to keep myself safe.

"W-why'd you do it?" My mother's voice is breaking as she speaks.

I sit silently in my bed staring into space, thinking. My parents wait anxiously for my answer. I can tell because my father is clenching and unclenching his fists and my mom is biting her lower lip.

"I don't know why I did it. I just did." It seems so simple to me, but my father thinks otherwise.

"What do you mean you don't know why! Ciel this is not you pushing Angela down the stairs, or any other stupid thing you did before, you tried to KILL YOURSELF!" He booms in a raspy voice. I cower under the gaze and tone.

"It was just a scratch." My voice sounds weak as I whisper.

"It was a scratch!" My mom snorts as she picks up a manila folder from my bedside. She opens it and lays the photos- none too gently- on my lap.

"Do those look like scratches?" Now it's my dad's turn again and I can feel the hate emanating off of him.

The photos are grotesque images that are stained with the color of red within them. The red liquid reminds me of my blood and the small patches of white you can see further remind me of my skin.

When I finally put two and two together I realize that this was my arm** drenched **in blood. The ivory skin now looks smooth, unblemished and pale. In the picture though,the skin was, most definitely, stained with red.

"I was…experimenting?"

The slap that follows echoes off the walls and leaves my face stinging and bruised. My dad looks shocked like he had been the one slapped and my mom looks furious. I can only imagine the look on my own face.

"Do you think this a joke? I don't think this is funny." My dad sounds frustrated and weary, almost tired. I should be sleepy one here.

"I'm sorry." My voice is weak and my head is bowed to my lap.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, 'I'm sorry', you know, for experimenting with cutting and stuff."

"Ciel, you better stop being a smart-aleck." Mom is more exasperated than ever right now.

"It's not my fault I was curious. Did you ever hear the saying curiosity killed the cat? Well think of it like this: curiosity killed the Phantomhive."

"You should have been curious about girls and stuff like that. I was prepared for that. I'm too old for **this**!"

"You are not old you are only 38, that's middle aged."

I can tell mommy and daddy are getting upset. They probably think I'm loony. Though by the way they are staring at me, I wouldn't be surprised if they did.

"Don't give me that look. I have not lost **all **of my marbles… **yet**.

My parents share a look and **I **even consider maybe I'm insane.

**Nikki: Well That's all I have I'll probably be updating every Friday because it's the only day I'm free… HAHA! That's not even true, I just like Fridays the best. So...  
REVIEW!  
HeHehe. ByeBye!**


	3. I REALLY HATE THIS GUY

**Nikki: Here is chapter three: I REALLY HATE THIS GUY. Updates will probably be quick for this story so you do not to worry.**

I have to stay in the hospital for a week to make sure the stitches don't break and my wounds reopen.

I made 8 cuts and it could have killed me. Could have, but didn't- sadly.

My parents told me how they found me too. Apparently I feel and hit my head on the floor. The 'thump' alerted my mom to come check up on me. When she did she found me, deathly pale and bleeding from my arm needle on the counter soaked with red liquid. She called the ambulance where I was taken and then the rest is history.

I told my parents, "Next time, I'll remember to lock the door," and my mom slapped me upside the head again. Damn abusive woman… Though none of this is a big deal, I mean a lot has happened this is just the little stuff.

My private room's door opens and I realized it isn't a nurse coming to change my IVs, or my parents to 'check up on me'. This time it's Sebastian, whom I haven't seen since our first incident.

Wanna know something about Sebastian? He doesn't look or acts like a doctor. He doesn't wear a stethoscope around his neck nor does he wear a white lab coat.

"Ciel?" Oh and he calls me by my first name. Every doctor I've ever had called me by 'the patient' or they didn't address me at all.

"Yes, Sebastian?"

"You blanked out. Why?"

"I was thinking. Why do you care?"

"It worried me. Normal 16 year old boys don't space out like that."

"Whoever said I was normal?"

"No one, but you are just a typical kid in Brooklyn."

"How many kids do you know who cut themselves up like this." I shake my arm at him.

"Only you, but still-"

"My point exactly. Now tell me, how am I a typical kid in Brooklyn?" I can tell I'm infuriating him. His nose scrunches up when he's irritated. His tell tale sign is very obvious.

"Okay, so why don't you tell me **why**?"

"Why what?" I am completely baffled by his request.

"Why did you attempt to commit suicide?" Couldn't he just say why did you try to kill yourself?

I dangle my feet off the sterile hospital bed.

"Oh that…I don't know why. I just did. I can't tell you why I did if I don't know myself, can I? I'll tell you this though: I think I wanted to die."

He looked stunned (and do I sense a hint of exasperation?) He just stares at me, most likely looking for words; I beat him to the punch.

"Can I ask you a question?" Right now I am the curious little 10 year old I never was.

Sebastian clears his throat, completely oblivious of the entourage of questions, and says, "You may go ahead. Ask away."

"What kind of doctor are you? You don't look like any doctor I've ever seen." Mr. Mischief- in-the-eyes goes stiff.

"Um…Err…" He's stuttering pretty badly. Some part of me says to say "never mind" but I also like seeing him squirm and trip over his words.

"I'm not going to kill you if you aren't a doctor. My dad isn't doctor, yet I'm not tearing his throat out… Wait, that was a bad example," I give him a reassuring smile anyway.

"I am a doctor. I'm just not the doctor you usually see." He shifts from one foot to the other. He's probably uncomfortable. Well I **AM **watching his every move like a hawk.

"So why don't you have a lab coat on? Or a stethoscope? Hmm? I thought that was kind of, you know, mandatory?" I'm really digging the squirming.

"Well, I'm a psychiatrist. We don't normally wear those kinds of things." He finally looks me square in the eye.

"You're a therapist!" I voice the exact thoughts in my head. Oh hell no.

Strike one.

"Why are you so surprised?"

"I'm not surprised you demon, I'm pissed! You're a shrink and don't give a damn about me. You are paid to see into the recesses of my mind." My voice trails off as I realize I probably look like a lunatic… as always. The silence that surrounds us is suffocating.

"I'm here to be your **friend **Ciel. All you have to do is trust me."

"How can I trust you if I don't trust myself?"

"Why don't you trust yourself?" Oh no. He is starting to sound like a real psychiatrist. I think it's about time for a subject change.

"When can I go home?" Apparently demanding things are my forte in life because I can't stop doing it.

"Um, about that…"Mr. Michaelis is nervous again- that's never good.

"Yes? What is the problem?"

"You're being moved to Upstate New York for a while."

"Why? Did my parents decide living in the country will help? I personally don't think it will." I'm utterly oblivious to my moving.

Sebastian sits down on the corner of my bed and put his hand over mine. This can't be good news.

"Ciel, you're going to St. John's Psychiatric Institute."

Strike two.

"But it's all okay, and everything will be alright because I work there."

Strike three. You are out.

"Get out." Furious is an understatement to what I'm feeling right now.

"Huh?" Sebastian is dumbfounded.

"Out! GET THE HELL OUT!" I'm screaming in a hospital, probably not the best idea.

"I'm sorry but you have to go, whether you like it or not.

"Did I stutter? I said, GET THE FUCK OUT!" Someone is bound to call the cops or worse- my parents.

Sebastian is getting up to leave. He doesn't look shocked at my outburst. It's more like he is hurt. Why should I care though? He is just another adult.

He does do one thing no adult before him had the courage to do. He **ruffles** my hair like I'm a little kid.

I really might hate this guy.

**[*.*.*.*]**

St. John's Psychiatric Institute is a dull place. It's a very dull place.

"It looks just like the hospital. The only difference is that I don't have people breathing down my neck while I'm on suicide watch." I may be mumbling as I walk down the halls of my temporary home, yet I know my parents can hear me.

"We wouldn't be here- and you wouldn't be on suicide watch- if you hadn't cut yourself."

_Well, you old hag, we also wouldn't be here if you hadn't come to check up on me, so stop trying to put the blame all on me. Also, let me remind you, you are not the victim here._

"Whatever you say mom." I don't care what they think. They stopped being my parents when they signed the papers allowing me to live in this hell-hole. I don't love them anymore. Especially since they don't love me back.

My mom only speaks to me now when she feels the need to say a witty remark (or what she thinks is witty). That hurts the most. Knowing my mom doesn't love me because I did something that was wrong. It hurts quite a lot. It stabs the heart.

I couldn't care less about my dad. So what if he hates me? He has hated me my whole life. So this doesn't add any hurt or pain to my heart. It actually just lessens it. At least I know that not everything has changed.

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Phantomhive, it has been a while. Hi Ciel, it's nice to see you again." Ugh, it's **him**.

"Hello again, Dr. Michaelis. You will take good care of my son, I presume?" Dumb dad and his perfect English.

"Hmph, Doctor? Yeah right." Mom slaps me upside the head again.

"Dumb parents." I receive another slap.

"Will you stop hitting me?" I glare daggers at her from afar.

"Will you stop making stupid comments?" she is glaring at me full on right back.

"Whatever." I just walk away from them.

"Where are you going?" _Oh so now my dad cares about me. What a shocker._

"I'm going to explore my new home. It seems like I'll be staying here for a while. See you later." My mouth is going to get me in some trouble one day.

"Ciel come back here. We have some things we must discuss about your living arrangements and your therapy sessions."

"No thanks, I think I'll just leave." I say to my mother whom I feel needs a little bit more persuading into hating me. So I open my mouth and voice, "Now leave me alone you old hag."

Then I realize what I have said and immediately regret it. One thing you never call my mom anything and get away with it. It is technically impossible. I notice my mom is coming toward me but if I scream no one will check up on me since everyone in here scream (all the time).

"I'm sorry, now leave me alone!" Apparently, sorry doesn't cut it because she has my ear in a death grip. "Ow! Let me go, you old hag!"  
"Ciel Phantomhive! You will not call your mother a hag, do you understand?" My dad's tone is shockingly calm. I know why. He doesn't care about Rachel. He never did. Her name is Rachel, not mom; she doesn't deserve that title.

"My mother? She is **not **my mother anymore. You were never my father to begin with. You have always loathed me so I don't care about you. But my own mother hates me? That is just messed up." I want to cry to show them I'm hurting, but I'm determined to hold them back as well.

"Ciel…" My mother has an either 'I'm sorry' tone or a "Shut the hell up' tone. I haven't differentiated them just yet.

"No. Do not even talk to me Rachel," She looks hurt and I don't feel guilt or compassion at all.

"I'm sorry but this is for your own good. Do you even know, or understand, the pain I'm in because of this?"

"Why are you lying? You should just come out and say it… You don't love anymore, probably never did. My trying to kill myself is just an excuse to get rid of me. So you don't have to tell me lies since I already know the truth… I get it. I'll never be the nice, innocent normal kid you want. So please just stop lying to me. I don't like it, not one bit." My voice is cracked with sobs and I can no longer continue my rant.

"Ciel, honey, I love you. I really do, but this is not good. You can't keep living the way you do. You can't live in fear of the world and people in it. Your father and I realized that when you tried to kill yourself."

"B-but I didn't try to kill myself. I-I just engraved a couple scratches in my arm. I-I told you I was just curious on if it would relieve my pain. I didn't mean for it to get that bad or for it to cause any harm. So please Rachel t-take me home. I don't want to be here. I want to be going home and studying with Angela. Mommy please take me home." I run to her and cry into her should. I imagine I look 4 year old crying to their mom because they fell off the swing set.

"Ciel we are doing this so you **can **come home. If you try another stunt like that we may never be able to take you home." She sounds so sad and when she wraps her arms around me I cry harder. I bet she wants to give into me, though, apparently, she is a very strong woman.

My dad finally comes into the picture again. He brings my mother into his chest, ripping her away from me; leaving me standing tears streaming with no one to comfort me. He is saying with his eyes (something my mom will never see nor understand) "Men don't cry so suck it up."

"Ciel you are staying. We have already discussed this with the workers. You have to stay here until September of this year; it's for your own good."

"I never asked you. And how do you know this will even help me? What if I just kill myself here? What about then? This will have been in vain." The tears are now long gone and all that's left is a triumphant smirk.

"If you even **think** about killing yourself, I'll kill you myself before you can even blink. Do you understand?" HE IS SO FRIGGING EVIL!

"I get it, I won't kill myself **here**."

That doesn't include:

The park...

At home...

Outside...

In town...

Or in the courtyard...

_Boo yah! Score one for the emo kid! Looks who's the smart-aleck now!_

"You will also not kill yourself at all."

"I get it. I wasn't even thinking about that."

_I hate you. _

"Of course you weren't." How we all want from almost killing each other to happy picture perfect family is beyond me.

"You do know you are still staying right?" My dad always knows how to kill the mood.

I sigh and say, "I kind of figured." The next sigh that escapes through my lips is a heavy one. "So… How long do I leave to this hell-hole?"

"Language, Ciel." Oh, my mother and her annoyingly perfect manners. "And two."

"Two what? Weeks? Months? Years? Centuries? OR please let it be millenniums."

"Two **days**. You leave in two days, Ciel." Way to ruin my day.

"WHAT!" Why me? Why? "Can't I get more time? Why do I have to come here so soon after leaving the hospital? I don't want to go yet. This isn't fair,"

"Ciel, it's okay. We thought of everything. Sebastian will be your psychiatrist. You will have your own room. Lastly, your father and I will show up here very Sunday during visiting hours to see you. Doesn't that sound wonderful?" My mom smiles- still buried in my dad's chest.

Does she even know how stupid she looks? Smiling like that, as if her life was perfect, in a MENTAL INSTITUTION. This woman is so difficult.

"One problem Rachel. What about people? I have issues with society, as you know. Not to mention, my lack of social skills. What about that?"

I **know **she has no comeback for this. No one could have a clue as to what to say in this situation.  
Which is why- not even in my worst nightmares did I expect Sebastian to jump in with a solution. Where the hell did he even come from?

"You have to get over that fear, my dear Ciel." Since when am I 'dear'? AND HIS? "That is what I'm here for. I can help you get over that people problem, as you could call it." He tries to grin reassuringly, but it comes out being a smirk- and creepy.

"I don't like you." I glare at him to give him a sense of my hatred. My azure may be full of bark (if only looks could kill) but my words have no bite.

"You don't even mean that." Demon bastard.

I scoff and utter, "How do you even know? You don't know me at all."

Sebastian ignores me and just turns to acknowledge my parents… again.

"Well Mr. and Mrs. Phantomhive, it would be best if you took Ciel home and helped him pack. He will soon be living in this joyous place,"

I don't say anything, though I want to say a sarcastic remark sooo bad. I want to tell him to go home and that I don't want him here. That **he **should be the one to go home.

But most of all I want to say- just to prove a point:

I HATE YOU!

**Nikki: This has so much dialogue. I need some drama. Do you need some drama? No... well too bad some drama is coming your way!**


	4. Leaving Home Part One

**Nikki: Yo! How's it going people? I'm high off of caffeine, sugar and air. Isn't that exciting? Here is chapter 4: Leaving Home: PART ONE!**

**Daniel: Why am I here again? I thought you were mad at me.**

**Nikki: I was but then you got me some chocolate. So you are cool now.**

**Daniel: And again why am I here? Do you want me to do the disclaimer?**

**Nikki: Nah, I just don't wanna be alone while typing this.**

**Daniel: -Leaves-**

**Nikki: Okay, so disclaimer time!  
Disclaimer: I do not own Ciel, but I wish I did. And you guys would too because then a YAOI WARNING would be on the cover and we ALL know what happens what there is a YAOI WARNING!**

I wake up to the sun bright in my face. Though I should be used to this. I wake up like this every morning.

I don't want to get out of bed, once again. Yet it doesn't seem like I have a choice anymore.

I'm oddly numb. I'm a pokerfaced emo kid right now. And no, I'm not like this on a regular basis.

**I go to the hospital tomorrow.**

I'm not excited, nor am I sad or depressed. It's more like I don't care anymore. I just want to die.

I'm so tired of everything, but it doesn't look like God is going to do anything to help me. I give up on living my life. I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that my life isn't **mine** and just forfeit and let everyone control my life.

**I'm not a sad story or a sad person, more like a sad soul.**

Even better, I'll probably turn into a soulless corpse once everything is done.

And I don't mean when I die (Everyone knows you become a soulless corpse when you pass). I mean when I leave the hospital- or the institute as I hear some patients call it.

I can say with full confidence that I'm not scared to die. But I am horrified of losing myself. As in going crazy, insane, nuts etc. etc.

**[*.*.*.*]**

My last day and I still haven't even packed yet. I'm leaving tomorrow.

But I'm not ready to leave.

Dad came to our house today. I didn't bother talking to him. He came to me- stark drunk. He told me how they hated me and how I should have the job.

It was probably the truth but they still hurt. Knowing it came from my own flesh and blood hurt the most. He could have killed me with the shot gun I know he has.

Sad thing is: If he killed me, he would have been in pain. If I killed myself he would have to mourn and grieve. If he killed me, he could sleep better knowing I wasn't able to regret anything.

So I just turned and flashed a smile.

"Thanks dad. I love you." He won't remember anything in the morning, so it's okay.

And I still have yet to pack.

**[*.*.*.*]**

My freedom is being stolen… right in front of my eyes.

The drive is silent. My dad is in the passenger seat, still hung over. My mom is driving and I'm in the back seat.

No music, no books… Nothing. I hate in the quiet. It's so noisy in my head when it's quiet.

I only have 2 suitcases packed. All of it is clothes and a few books (I'm going to need something to do while in my therapy sessions).

I also snuck in some money from my college fund.

I won't even be able to go to college –ever.

By the way the Institute is even creepier when you realize: you are going to be **living there. **I don't even want to think about it.

_I'm not living here; I'm just staying for a sleepover. It's a sleepover, just a sleepover._

_The mantra is repeating in my head, a song on replay, yet I can't get myself to believe it._

"_**A sleepover that will never end. At least, won't end for another 4 months." **_If my parents heard, I could just pass it off as a wisp of the wind, my voice was so low.

"We're here." My mother's voice is awfully cheerful. As though we were driving on a vacation to Florida. Instead I'm going on a vacation to Hell- that will mostly likely last a lifetime. 'Welcome Everybody to Hell'.

I get out of our burgundy minivan (a result of my mom and her tendency to plan things out before they happen, A.K.A. her fantasy children) and silently gape at the place now MUST call home.

There was a sign plastered on the front doors that read: Welcome, Ciel, to St. John's institution'.

I openly chuckle at sight.  
"How funny they are welcoming me like a guest. Now I didn't see that coming.

"You are a guest Ciel, I know some kids who won't be leaving for the rest of their lives. You should be grateful,"

**Nikki: Who is this new face and how will Ciel react to her? You can find out next time on: I'm NOT A Sad Story chap.5!**

**Daniel: Have you been watching the Bleach endings again? You keep acting like Kon you imbecile.**

**Nikki: Whatever, well sorry it's short, I just decided to end it there to save some for part two. And by the way my lovely readers it is my birthday on Tuesday, May 15 so leave plenty of reviews. I will also be adding part two of this on Tuesday as a special birthday gift to myself.**

**Daniel: Oh shit, I forgot! I need to go buy a damn present.**

**Nikki: Well my readers have an easier job; just send me virtual birthday cake! **


	5. Leaving Home Part Two

**Nikki: Yay. Happy birthday to me, whatever. I'm not in the mood *sigh*, but I'll update anyway. Thanks for those of you who had got me some cake. It's kind of weird how people I don't know can remember my birthday but those I do know can't. Well anyway here's the next chapter: Leaving Home Part 2.**

"I'm so sorry, whoever you are. I'm sorry I'm less nuts than everyone else in this joint." I wave my arms in the air in a please forgive me gesture.

The doctor is a girl. She could be pretty if she took off all the makeup. And she didn't have that poufy skirt, or brought her hair back to its natural color (she is so not a redhead).

"Welcome, Ciel." Her voice is raspy, as if she had just yelled at someone.

"That's me." I'm trying to get on her good side for two reasons: Number 1: She runs this place… I think. Number 2: she is super creepy and I don't want to know the things she will do to me in my sleep.

"Cut the crud kid. I know who you are why you're here and you're personality. I advise you not to even **think** about using a pretty boy, nice guy act with me. Got it?" _Someone please save me.  
_I nod furiously and embark on the journey to my temporary home.

Ms. Red- I don't know her name but she wears a lot of red- is strutting across the parking lot, like walking in seven inch heels on gravel doesn't hurt a bit.

"Hurry up and walk boy! I'm not waiting all day for you." She barks and I have to run to keep up.

One thing I've learned through my years: Never mess with women…

**[*.*.*.*]**

My room is big and blue. I never got to look at it before this so I'm pretty surprised.

It's about nine hundred square feet- bigger than almost all the other rooms here. The walls are all cobalt blue. The same color as my eyes, yet not my favorite color. I'm not used to all of this but I guess its okay.

I also guess I'll be spending a lot of time in here.

When I walk down the halls that have patients (there weren't even that many) everyone whispers. Wait, let me rephrase that. They screech very loudly. I felt so out of place and lonely.

Not that kind of lonely where you have the world, yet you feel alone. I mean the lonely where you really are **alone**. You have no friends, no acquaintances, not even your family. You are really truly- _**alone.**_

Dr. (she finally introduced herself) said that I could not have my family over until my first four weeks here were over. So every Sunday and Wednesday I'll be alone while all the other kids have someone.

"Have a nice day, Ciel. I have to go." My mother is now leaving me. When did she even start to refer to me as "Ciel"? I ha always been "honey".

"Bye," I don't even try to stop her. It won't work anymore since she doesn't care, so I'll just give up.

"I'll tell your father you said bye." She is trying to keep me in her sight just a little bit longer. She is trying to engrave my image into her brain so she can last the five weeks without me.

"But I didn't say that. Why should I? He didn't even say goodbye to me." I'll just play along since I don't want to have to say goodbye either.

"Ciel, you know he loves you. He's just having a hard time with adjusting to this. His only son is leaving him… and not to normal places," She has a small smile on her face- a smile of sympathy.

"Still. He could have come in and seen the place he was leaving his son at."

"Don't make this any harder than it already is. Just sit down Ciel and I'll see you in five weeks." And she walks out the door.

What she didn't know was that she had already made it harder. If she had just left when she said, would I still have this pang in my heart? Would I still wish she hadn't left? Would I still hope she would change her mind and come back for me?

"Goodbye Rachel." _**Would I regret saying goodbye?**_

I am alone, so I might as well make it useful.

I plop down on my bed. It didn't look like it belonged in the loony- house. Burying my face in my brand new pillow, I let the dam break and tears explode out of my eyes.

I've been holding the tears ever since my last visit here. I've been trying to stay strong and seem broken. I haven't even cried to fall asleep, but I have to let it all out.

"I-I don't want to be here. I-I don't wanna be alone." I sob, my words cracking as shudders wrack my body.

Who will comfort me like my mom had done all those times? No one because here no one cares, so I cry until I run out of my tear supply and fall asleep.

**I think I actually have a reason to cut myself now. This place makes it seem like being assaulted is **_**nothing.**_

**Nikki: Well here you go. You know the drill read and review, yada yada yada… And I would really like some more virtual cake, it will make me feel better.**


	6. Therapy Sessions

**Nikki: Thanks for the reviews LOL (), promocat and jenmoon1! I love writing this knowing you guys love it and want me to continue! Here is a long one for you three! Chapter 6: Therapy Sessions…**

**Disclaimer: When I own Black Butler, it won't be able to be publicly broadcasted *winks*.**

"Now, tell me Ciel. Why do you cut yourself?" Sebastian glares at me and pleads- irritation in his voice. He's been trying to get me to talk for about an hour now. I'm **so glad** I brought these books.

This one is by my favorite author, Ellen Schreiber. She wrote a series, _Vampire Kisses_, which has got me addicted.

"Jesus, Ciel!" Good thing this room is soundproof because Sebastian is screeching so loud, I swear my eardrums have popped.

Before I know it (and before Sebastian Sterling can accidentally dig his fangs into Raven's neck in _Vampire Kisses_) my book is snatched from my petite hands.

"Huh?" My mouth opens before I can stop it.

"Pay attention." Sebastian has his lips set in a stern frown and he looks pissed.

My book is in his hands and he is going through it, scanning the pages for something- anything- interesting to him. He then looks up from the gloomy book with a look of disgust.

"What in the heck is this?"He doesn't hand the book back to me.

"I'm not obligated to answer any of your questions. I have rights to confidentiality; it says so on the wall. Now, give me back my book before I scream 'rape' and have at least ten guards on your ass." I threaten; the feelings of triumph making me completely forget that the room is soundproof.

"Scream then. No one can even hear you. So you should just cooperate." He smirks and I don't think he knows what he just said. I don't even think he knows what has happened to me. I don't think he knows that he should watch what he says and to not to touch me.

My mind only knows the similar words, and I only know that at that moment my mind can only haze and shut down. **Even if it's for but a moment.**

"_Please let me go misters." Goon Two stared down at me, and I was scared out of my mind._

_Their hands were touching me and I could do nothing but squirm and scream helplessly. Mommy would be so disappointed in me right now, for letting them touch me like this. Daddy would most likely never be able to look me in the eye. __**I'm a disgrace.**_

_Goon One was holding me down while Goon Two's fingers were touching me in inappropriate places. I wanted him to stop… I really did, but I was scared and could barely form coherent thoughts, let alone words._

"_Hey, are you scared my little robin?" I could only scream when they touched my most sensitive places, not to mention the place mommy told me not to let anyone touch. _

_I shivered as Goon Two whispered in my ear, "Will you stop struggling, little robin? We just want to play a game. Don't you like games, little robin?" I had always loved games, but it seemed like this wasn't one I would like to play. His hold tightened around my arms; my legs being forced down by Goon Two's weight laying down on me._

"_!" I screamed again, not comprehending anything. All I knew was: __**Scream! Run! DON'T LET THEM TOUCH YOU! **__I struggled some more in hopes of breaking the resolve of these men so I could escape. My efforts were futile._

_Goon Two slapped me across the face; the force of it enough to snap my head to the left. I whimpered in pain, but stopped screaming so I wouldn't get punished anymore. _

_He snarled at me, __**"Scream all you want. No one can even hear you. You may as well just cooperate and enjoy it."**__ Goon One and Goon Two both cackled in my face._

"_Please someone help me." And those were the last words I could say for the rest of my horrible time._

My eyes become clear again, but they are brimming tears.

Sebastian is to my left; hands on my shoulders. On the surface he looks calm and steady but his garnet orbs give away the panic and concern etched in them. He looks like a real person right now, though I know he is just a therapist

I try to keep calm, as if nothing happened just now. I steady my ragged breathing and blink the tears from my eyes. My actions are futile because my breathing won't even out, it comes out harsh pants. My blinking makes a few tears escape from under my eyelids, while the rest diminish into the air.

"Give me back my book." My tone is everything less the commanding tone I wanted. The voice that comes out is weak and void of the bark it used to have.

"What happened?"

"Oh, wouldn't you like to know." For sassy comebacks it is Ciel: 1, and Sebastian: 0.

"Tell me please. I can't tell anyone, everything within these walls is confidential. All your secrets are safe here, with me." He sits down on the couch and looks me in the eyes.

His voice has a soft, comforting quality and I really think about spilling everything.

And the worst part is: I **want** to tell him, but I don't have the courage or heart.

"Will you tell me Ciel? I won't judge you. All I want to know is what happened just now. Can you at least supply me that much?"

I sigh and bite my bottom lip until it bleeds. It stings, yet my heart is clenching so achingly the bite doesn't even begin to cancel out the pain.

"I can't share it just yet... I'm too scared. My experiences are not meant to be shared or spoken about; it's that horrible." I tilt my head down and stare intensely at my Nike© sneakers. "My own parents only know a small summary as to what happened that day. I have known them all my life and have known you for two weeks. Do you really think I would share those pieces of vital information with the likes of you? I'm not like all those other kids you may have 'helped' before. " My reply turns into rant. My voice is rigid now, my breathing even more uneven than before, my eyes have narrowed into slits. But I still force myself to stare into the wine colored orbs in front of me.

"I doubt it is that bad. You are probably just exaggerating." He looks at me a little exasperated and- dare I say- irritated. I can imagine that I look equally pissed but for a completely different reason.

_How dare this man say __**I **__was exaggerating when it is __**my past **__and he knows nothing of it?_

"Fine, Sebastian, maybe I am exaggerating." I say with sarcasm dripping from my words. Sebastian looks pleased at the idea of actually winning an argument against me. That is until I pull the rug from underneath his feet with my next few sentences. "So maybe being_** raped**_when you are _**ten years old, **_is exaggerating. Maybe having your **innocence ripped away** from you as you **scream for mercy helplessly underneath** your attackers, is exaggerating. Maybe not being able to tell your doctor you are a **virgin since you were ten,** is exaggerating. Maybe being snatched from your home for **a month** because your rapists thought you were good enough **fuck **that they shouldn't let you go, is exaggerating. Maybe having **police, your parents, your friends and people you don't even know **see you naked,bloody and** leaking from your ass with unspeakable things**, are exaggerating. Maybe **my whole life** is an exaggeration. " I snatch my book off of Sebastian's lap and storm out of the room with my head held high, mind you.

I hear Sebastian call out for me, "Ciel! I didn't mean it, come back." But I am out of the room with the door slamming behind me, quite loudly.

And I somehow managed to not cry, scream, or harm myself (or anyone else) for three days.

Those three days I had not come out of my room. Not for food, water, showering. Nothing.

_And no one came for me._

__**[*.*.*.*]**

My stomach growls for the umpteenth time but once again I have to ignore it. My tummy hurts and I'm super thirsty but I refuse to get up from the current corner my body dwells in.

Yes, I am currently sleeping in a corner of my room. I don't deserve my bed, or my bathroom or anything besides the cold floor and the thin blankets I use as my mattress.

I hear someone knocking and blatantly disregard it. The thumping on the hardwood continues. I consider opening it, but it's one of those fleeting thoughts.

"Leave me alone." My place in the corner is col. And my body is numb from lying here on the floor curled into myself (or from the mental pain of my past).

"Ciel we need to talk. May I please come in?" Sebastian voice sounds desperate and concerned.

"Go away. I wanna die. Let me die." I've been saying that since three days ago. Usually everyone left after begging me to open the door. Unfortunately Dr. Michaelis is not a normal doctor and he is way too persistent.

I hear him suck in a breath and then release it slowly. "Ciel open up the door," He sucks in another breath. "Open the door, or I'll call Madame Red."

"Call her, the she could kill me and I won't have to do it myself." My mind is set on dying.

Remembering your past when it's good is worth nothing but a few good laughs, and it won't impact you now.

Remembering your past when it's bad is a completely different story. It affects you in every possible way. You wish it were different and you wonder how your life would be without certain events. You wish you could've done something to save yourself. You hate how the past has happened and you can't do anything to change it. You hate how your past haunts every though, movement, dream, and nightmare.

How it makes you hate yourself and wish you were a different, better person with a better past.

At least that's how I see it- no matter how selfish it may sound.

"Ciel, if you open the door I'll get you some food." My stomach growls painfully and I can only hope that Sebastian can't hear it.

"Ciel you need nourishment. At this rate your body will shut down. Do you want that?"

"Yes. If my body shuts down its more likely that I will die." I, of course, can't keep my shut and reply to the rhetorical question.

Then the sweet aroma of pancakes with syrup enters my nose and I find myself **drooling** on my sweatshirt and bottoms that I put on a few days ago.

I know what he is doing. He is bribing me to leave the ice cold room and devour those pancakes.

"That is n-not going to work." The scent is so enticing I stutter as I try to regain my composure.

The sad thing is: It's working and we both know it. Any second now this very room will smell of Bisquick pancakes and Aunt Jemima's syrup. I can guess that if we were in any other situation I would be able to feel Sebastian's smirk through the door.

I give up and open the door (which wasn't even locked). Sebastian is standing there, clad in jeans and a T-shirt not appropriate for the work place. It annoys me how he can be so natural and in place… even in a asylum.

"Ciel- what I said the other day- I didn't mean it. I just wanted you to answer me and you did." His reassuring smile turns out to be uneasy and scared.

"Do not give me that bull. I don't like it when people lie, especially to **my face.** We both know that you meant it and I'll tell you one thing: I never exaggerate." I feel the need to just slam the door in his face, and lock the door, but I want to hear what he has to say.

"Ciel, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. But this not the time, you have to eat something. You are worse than I thought." He takes my arm and drags me into my room.

He glances at my unkempt room. The only thing that has been untouched is my bed. The shelves are bare, all my books shoved onto the floor. The walls are bare, the few pictures I found of Invader Zim on the internet ripped off and crumpled in the trash.

His eyes land on the make-shift bed. A pile of blankets and a pillow I found in the closet. A few particles of clothing caught in the blue and white striped sheets.

He disregard the mess of the room and likely the mess that is me. My gray-blue hair is sticking out in all directions, my pants are on backward. My shirt is old and dirty. Worst of all, my face is streaked with lingering tears.

I don't attempt at fixing myself because I don't care anything. Sebastian gives me that look everyone knows as pity.

He probably sees a crazy person but I'll tell you otherwise.

I'm completely sane, it's the world that is crazy.

I feel like just yanking my out my hair from the roots to show him how crazy I am. Maybe I'll throw in some screaming, cursing and drooling. I've seen some young people do that here. I don't think I'll do that though because I don't want a few years added to my stay here. With this guy. Whoa, that is a scary thought.

Sebastian obviously notices my frustration and distress and happens to surprise… and not in the usual negative way.

He leads me to the neglected bed and sits down on it first. The mattress makes a dip when he sits. He scoots backward so his back gets pressed into the headboard. In the end, he is nestled comfortably in _**my bed.**_ He pats the space next to him. I'm not going sit with _**him**_… He is basically the devil.

As a solution I sit on the edge of the bed, as far away from Michaelis as I could get. I relish in the look of hurt and acceptance on his face. It's better to stay away from people who make you cry consistently. Such as what Sebastian does to me.

He points to the pancakes on the nightstand (when did he set them down?) and sternly says, "Please eat something Ciel. I will not leave until you finish four pancakes."

The idea of those flat, golden pastries being stuffed into my mout makes my salivary glands override. I'm pretty sure you can die of dehydration if you spit runs like a fountain. Or is that an exaggeration?

I watch the ceramic plate be moved by Sebastian into my lap. I clutch my stomach in hopes of stifling the painful noise emanating from it.

This game between us, has ended in a tie. The point was to see whom would cave in first. Sebastian had come to me first, but I had given to him first. Thus there could be no possible winner.

So I forget all of my manners and dig into the pancakes. And they are scrumptious and made with strawberry batter, my favorite fruit.

I take large bites and finish the pancakes quickly. At this point, my stomach slows down it's growling and is instead humming. Or are those my own sounds?  
Once my really stops annoying me, I look up and meet Sebastian's eyes. I blush a deep red, almost as dark as my blood. The blush stretches across my cheeks, up my ears and down my neck.

"So Ciel, where do you put it all?" Sebastian teases me no trace of a smile, fueling the flames of hatred and my blush.

"So Sebastian, how do you hide the stick up your ass?" I force myself to smirk so I seem superior. Sebastian reacts to my remark with indifference.  
"Seriously Ciel, you are key the key to anti-fattening. You ate six pancakes and are still as flat as the sidewalk." He chuckles when I pout. "So what are you? 80 pounds, 5 feet?"  
"Excuse you, I'm 88 pounds and 5 feet 2 inches, so ha." I will not make any comment.

"You're proud of that because?"

"Because if there is a fire, I can lay flat on the floor and crawl underneath the smoke. Whereas your head will be knocked clean off by a beam falling from the rafters." My mom says I should stop watching so many gore and killings on t.v.

"…" Um, awkward silence.

"Okay so why are you here? If it was just to feed me, I thank you but I want to bathe and then go to sleep if you don't mind." _I don't need your pity._

"Sorry Ciel, but before you do that we need to talk."

"_Oh, fuck me."_

**Nikki: It has been almost 10 days since I last saw you, I MISSED YOU GUYS! I'm sorry I was supposed to update last Friday, but I kind of fell down the stairs. While my friend watched me screaming in pain since I broke my ankle and laughed... Well anyway, please review and help me rise my self esteem!**


	7. Group Sessions

**Nikki: I'm so happy because I got new Black Butler posters hanging in my room. Hallelujah for birthdays. CAN I GET ra-MEN! (Props for anyone who can guess what story that's from)**

**Daniel: Why the hell am I your friend again?**

**Nikki: Because in 5****th**** grade I locked us in the science lab with the snake and threatened to let the snake out until you promised to be my friend forever.**

**Daniel: CRAZY BITCH! Why don't I remember that? Why are you so obsessed with Black Butler?  
Nikki: Black Butler is G and because I banged your head at your house when you cheated at video games. Well, enough chit-chat for us (do you people even read this stuff?)**

**[*.*.*,*]**

"Don't worry Ciel we aren't going to talk about… that. We have to talk about more important matters.

_So my past isn't important. Is that it?_

I swear this dude knows exactly what buttons to push to get me going.

"What could ever be more important to a psychiatrist than the patients' past?" I say, and despite realizing that Sebastian knows how to push my temper, it comes out less grouchy than usual. My grumpiness comes out shockingly calm and casual.

"Well you see Ciel, the first week here is always meant to help you get settled and used to routine here. You somehow managed to fail at that by throwing a tantrum and locking yourself in here. Anyway, you see now we have just one-on-one sessions everyday at noon and three p.m. But after the first week it is mandatory that you attend group sessions with other teens your age and their doctors. So instead of it being just you and me at noon it will be you, me and a couple of others in the lounge. Sebastian explained flawlessly. He explained it so fluently made me wonder how many kids like me he has helped. I think he thought I would react with rage at the news too, but really I couldn't care less.

"Fine but three points I must make. Number one: I did not lock myself in here; everyone was just too stupid to open the door. Number two: I will only admit this to you 'cause I don't care what you think. But I was actually getting kind of lonely and bored with the room and you. I need to male some friends or something to keep me entertained. Number three: wait there is no number three, sorry." I brush off everything he said because, once again, I couldn't care less.

"Okay, now that that's done with what would you like to do? I think we have some time before our group session." HE checks his watch, "Yes, we have about two hours to do anything. We could talk; get you more food, and stand here staring into space and all of the above."

"Well I would like some water. Wait make that coffee- espresso if you will and if you don't have that plain with half and half and three sugars… please. Also I guess you can tell me about yourself since I know absolutely nothing but you know about me. I believe I should know who shall be taking care of me for the next 4 or more months."

Sebastian had gotten up but only after I finished speaking did he speak himself.

"Just by reading someone's file doesn't mean you know them. You file only says your birthdates, age and health information such as allergies. It says nothing of your past or present. Also it says nothing of your traumatic event since the only one you seem to have told is an officer who was sworn to secrecy when you pressed charges. I know of you as much as you know of me. Therefore, unless you tell me of yourself, I do not feel obligated to tell you of myself. So do you still want to talk?

A little puzzled by his sudden defensiveness I just nod at him.

Curiosity killed the Phantomhive, right? Or even more accurate; **Curiosity got the Phantomhive raped.**

By the way, no I do not like Sebastian like that. I do not wish to get raped by him or kissed by him or anything of the sort. I am just sincerely thankful to him. It seems like he cares about me despite knowing my past.

Especially since not many have taken care of me like he has, I feel so special and content inside. Though I don't think I want to need anyone else during my time here. I can't help but want Sebastian to care for me; I **need** him to care for me, even if it does seem selfish.

I want to meet new people to get away from Sebastian and attach myself here like I never was at school. At the same time though, I don't want to meet people who may want to get to know me and make me talk about my past. Also, the people here just seem plain nuts.

Which I am not.

"Where the hell is Sebastian with my goddamn coffee?" I scream through the quiet of the room. "My throat is as dry as the Sahara Desert and he wants to take forever with my drink. The nerve of this man!"

**Nikki: Don't worry, I understand this chapter is pretty short but the next one we meet: Lizzy, Alois, Claude, Paula, Agni, Soma and more! When you read hpow long the next one is you will forget how short this one is.  
Daniel: You are letting your readers all done with this ridiculousness Nicole.**


	8. New Friends

**Nikki: I've let you all down! I didn't update last week or yesterday! I'm so sorry and right after so many of you told me that I was their favorite author because I updated every week! I'M SO SORRY!**

**Disclaimer: Ciel is a noble; I am a middle class citizen. I am not worthy of owning him, which makes Sebastian illegible too since he is just a demon butler. Wow, that's a downer.**

"Here you go, master. Are you satisfied now?" The red-eyed doctor stated sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Actually I am not satisfied, I'm bored. Entertain me." I say with a smile on my face. I didn't mean it literally, but Sebastian took it that way.

"Ciel, I am not your monkey to boss around, so please do not treat me as such."

"You know what Sebastian. I feel bad for treating you like a monkey. I'll treat you correctly; I'll treat you like a butler instead."

He looks at me with the 'are you insane?' look. It's not the first I've gotten. But it is the most unique and ridiculous. His eyelids are squinted in a glare; jaw firmly snapped shut and his eyes seem to have turned a deadly shade of magenta. It's kind of hot; majestic; SMEXY, whatever you want to call it.

I start laughing for no reason at all though. At least, I don't know the definite reason. It could have been boredom, the quiet, the look; even my own thoughts. Anything could have triggered the laughing fit, all I know is that I was dying in my be guffawing with Sebastian in the doorway looking at me.

Yep, looking like a lunatic in front of Sebastian. Not that I care or anything of what he thinks of me.

"Ciel, what's wrong?" I just laugh harder- so hard, in fact that tears spring into my azure orbs. "Um, Ciel, are you okay?" Yes I'm fine, my lungs and sides burn for no reason. "Ciel, are you okay? Do I need to call a doctor? Ciel?" I shake my head and laugh for a few minutes. I expect my lungs to fall off, with the little oxygen they are getting. Then my chortles end abruptly, like they were never there in the first place.

I sit there, gasping for breath; two final clear pearls rolling down my face. I had not realized I was crying until right now. Sebastian breathes a sigh of relief and I get the urge to laugh again (or maybe it was the urge to cry?). I swallow it and just focus everything on regaining my regular breathing pattern.

"Okay, would you like to tell me what is wrong? Or can I just assume it was anxiety that came in the weirdest form: vicious laughing." He raises his eyebrow at me.

"Well I was going to say your face is funny, but your theory makes me sound less of a psychopath and more cool. So let's go with anxiety."*

I nod my head at my own thoughts before glancing at the clock. 10.45 Which means another seventy-five minutes (one hour fifteen minutes) with Sebastian.

"Hey Sebastian, what are the other kids like?" I'm truly curious about my potential friends.

"Well there is Alois, whom I think you will get along, and he will be your best friend but neither of you will admit it. Elizabeth, whom you will most likely have mixed feeling about." He paused as if in thought, "Soma who will get on your nerves, Meyrin who will probably develop into your second mother-"I scoff, but don't say anything. He ignores me and continues, "Finny who is a child at heart, Doll who will confuse you like no other." He pauses again and smiles, "Beast who will scare you and you will want to avoid. Joker who will make you feel like you have a brother. Snake who will make you quake in your boots, and finally Bard who will drag you into things you don't want to have anything with." The raven finishes and allows me to digest all the information.

I realize that I have nothing of any value to say and blurt out something random.

"They have weird names. Seriously, Joker? Beast? Freckles? Alois? Bard? Who in God's name would call their kids that?"

"You have a weird name too, Ciel."

"No I don't! Ciel means 'sky' in French… I think." I scream defensively.

"Well then don't judge, you don't know what their names may mean."

"Whatever. So what are they here for? What kind of problems do they have?" I am basically bouncing up and down on my bed. I can guess that I look like a girl wanting to know what her crush thinks of her. It's kind of pathetic.

"That is confidential. I cannot and will not give out that information."

"Hn, whatever." I say again. I really want to know, I can't just show apathy towards this topic. Not to mention, but I've never been denied anything I have ever wanted before I cut myself. I still am trying to get used to it.

"Come on Ciel. Let's go see if we can meet some of the other before we have to talk to see them in group."  
"Fine, whatever,"

And so we left.

About fifty-five minutes away.

**[*.*.*.*]**

"This place has a cafeteria? Since when?" I'm totally dumbfounded. In the past ten minutes I've seen a gym, cafeteria, a TV lounge, an auditorium, a music room, more therapy rooms and more "dorms" as Sebastian calls it.

"It's always had one. What you think patients just eat in their rooms every day? That is just cruel and unusual. Also you are like a hermit; you hide in your room all day. Can you even get to our therapy sessions by yourself?"

"Yeah, yeah mother. I'll get out more. That's not how you get raped. You get raped by hiding in your room, huh? I never thought of it like that."  
"You know, Ciel, sarcasm is very disrespectful and rude. I am older than you so you shouldn't say things like that to me."

"Yeah what—"I was cut off by a flash of blond, pink and purple.

"Oof!" Sebastian, a six foot man weighing about one hundred fifty-five pounds, was knocked off his feet by two much smaller figures.

"SEBASTIAN!" The two blonds scream. You could also say squeal. Yeah, squeal does the sound more justice.

"Why don't you scream just a little bit louder? The people in China can't hear you." I say rubbing my ears. I look up to come in contact with pale blue and emerald green staring intensely at me.

"And who might you be cutie? Are you a new nurse here? I can sure use one." He winks at me and I have to suppress the urge to heave all the pancakes onto his shoes. Apparently, I'm the target and I have been spotted. ABORT! ABORT!

I turn to the other blond and prepare from the rant I can _tell_ is going to spew from her mouth. "Oh my GOSH! You are so cute! We'll be the best of friends! We could have sleepovers, parties, and double dates, do our hair and nails! It will be FABULOUS!" My left eye twitches. Hair? Nails? Sleepovers? I hope they aren't thinking what I think they are. I can hear Sebastian snickering in the background as the two idiots in front of me prattle on and on about nonsense.

"You are the cutest girl I've seen in, forever." The blond boy states and it confirms my suspicions. A vein in my forehead throbs in irritation and I can feel my temper flare up.

"Excuse you, but I AM NOT A GIRL! I AM A BOY! A BOY, YOU NIMRODS!"

"Oh…our fault." The two say simultaneously.

"Alois, Elizabeth, I would like for you to meet Ciel. He's new here and just finished his first week. If you can do me a huge favor and watch him for me if I'm not around? He is quite the handful and I will need some help watching him. You don't know how much trouble I have gone through just during the past week with him." Sebastian says calmly; straightening his shirt from the tussle on the floor.

"Sure we can Sebastian." Elizabeth squeals and nods her head eagerly.

Alois, on the other hand, just brings up another subject matter. "Ciel? Are you sure you aren't a chick? Your name sure does sound like one."

"Told you." Arrogant bastard, Sebastian always has to prove me wrong.

"Hm… This is the Alois kid you were saying _'I would get along with.' _He seems stupid." I look at his choice of clothing with disgust. He is wearing a beige muscle shirt, (that basically hung off of him since he had my structure) purple shirts that stopped mid thigh and some knee-length combat boots. "… and he dresses like a whore. What's your full name?" I point at the kid.

"Trancy. Alois Trancy."

"Trancy, huh? I'm Ciel Phantomhive, since Sebastian didn't have the decency to introduce me properly." I glared at the raven briefly and then smirked at Alois. "The names I could come up with for you. I'm going to have some fun here at least."

"Ciel." Sebastian warns and scorns me at the same time.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. You have to treat people you want to be treated, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, and yada."

"Well anyway, I'm Elizabeth Middleford, but you can call me Lizzy! It's nice to meet you, Ciel." The girl introduces herself; smiles, pink and perk radiate from her… sadly.

"Oh, crud. This will not turn out good. I don't do well with bright things. It's not my thing. No offense, but can you please step further away. You're blinding me." I shield my eyes in mock. Elizabeth and Alois both snickered but Sebastian looked anything but amused. I tend to be a cool person in the presence of people my own age, and not to mention I want to make friends so I like to bring out the charm.

"I'm sorry guys but Ciel isn't the… nicest person out there. He's been through a lot so you can't blame him. Well I believe if we want good seats where we aren't cramped together, we should get to GPS."

"GPS? What does that stand for?" I question, my eyes looking at the three of them curiosly.

"It stands for 'group psychology sessions'. It is much easier to say and remember." Lizzy grins and says, her teeth flashing me through her full lip-gloss covered lips.

"Sebastian, I don't really know if I like these people. They are very weird, and I am a pretty weird person if you think about it."

"You are going to have to deal with it. And if you think these two are weird wait until you meet the others." Alois, Lizzy and Sebastian all smirk at me and for a second I wonder what I have gotten myself into. If only I hadn't cut myself I wouldn't be here right now. Well, it is too late to regret it now.

I think I should be scared of these people. Wait, scratch that I think I should be terrified.

**Nikki: I'm sorry my readers for being late. I didn't want to make you wait another week so I decided to update a 8 days late or 6 days early. Whichever you prefer.**


	9. What's It LIke?

**Nikki: Sorry guys. Not really in the mood for writing lately… you know, life. I bet all of us writers out there know how life impacts your writing and with my life actually going in a okay direction I can't find it in myself to write something so depressing, BUT I WILL FINISH THIS STORY. **

"Ciel you should sit next to us during GPS. It would benefit you to hang with us and _only us._ Some of the kids here are really nuts." Alois informs me, latching onto my arm as we walk down the hall.  
I glance around trying not to panic at the feel of someone entering my personal space bubble. Sebastian had been stopped in the hall by another worker so there was no one here to save me. I decided to take a few deep breaths and just ignore it and answer the question.

"Um, no thanks." I rather just sit by myself and, you know, be anti social. I don't want to warm up to anyone here and it would be in my best interest to stay out of trouble. Who knows what Sebastian might tell Dr. Ann if I do something wrong? I rather not take that chance.

"It would be the best idea if you were our friends. We know everyone here and we can tell you who to avoid and who is safe. We don't want you to offend the wrong person and end up damaging that pretty face, now would we? We don't want you to have a broken nose, or have snake poison in your blood." Elizabeth insists, gripping my other arm tightly to her body.

I'm starting to feel uncomfortable, but it vanishes when my brain catches interest in one of the words. "Snake poison?" I blink owlishly at the two. "They allow that here? Seriously? And Sebastian never told me! Bastard!" My voice drops to a whisper, "That would've been useful a couple weeks back…" I think aloud.

"No, it isn't allowed, but the last person who squealed ended up dead in his bed; body littered with snake bites." Elizabeth answers quickly, and then Alois continues with a new topic.

"So you're a suicidal person? I've never met one here before. Because, you know, most succeed in killing themselves. So how did you **try?"** He teased me, rubbing failure in my face. I was never one to fail in anything. Alois blows off my pout and continues to taunt me. "So what was it? Noose? Pills? Drowning? Were you creative and did a multiple of ways?"

He didn't expect me to answer. He just wanted to exasperate me. I know that. I'm not stupid, I know the difference between a rhetorical question and I real one. I may know the difference, but that doesn't mean I won't satisfy his feigned curiosity.

I pull up the sleeves of my shirt and show off the scratches I made all those weeks (or was it days?) ago. Both of their eyes widen at the sight of the healing skin. Some of the smaller cuts have healed already, the only proof of their existence are the raised bumps in their wake. The deeper cuts have taken longer to heal and are still covered in scabs and in one case, stitches.

I smirk at their obvious discomfort at knowing how I tried to kill myself. Even though they seem to know, I have to make sure they have my story straight, so I decide to inform them in my ways.

"I cut myself Alois. I would have succeeded had I locked the bathroom door. I was naïve and thought it would be a quick death, just bleed out and die. I mean, how much blood could there be in a person? I was wrong though, sadly Rachel found me dying on the floor. Yeah it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Well anyways what were you saying about suicide?"My voice is laced with malice and feigned playfulness

"Battle scars I like, I like." It wasn't the exact reaction I thought I would receive. Alois sure is a… odd character.

"Freak." I say loud enough for both of them to hear, I don't care what they think of my thoughts, Alois is- in a word- a freak, simple as that. They say nothing also so I have to continue. "So what are you in for?"  
"Well I can want to play with you one moment and then try to kill you the next for no reason at all." The only girl I've seen in awhile says.

"So in simpler terms you are bipolar," She nods, "You couldn't say that from the beginning. You had to play mind games with me. What is up with that?"

"Yeah basically, and now I think Alois would like to tell his life story. Last time I did that he ended up pinning me to the ground and saying it was none of my business." She finishes the thought and waves off the before-said action dismissively.

"I'm just crazy. I'll spare you the details of my life since I know you don't care. So I'm just crazy, simple as that." I scoff- no duh, he is a lost cause, "I probably belong here and I made no objections of coming here cause I know I was born with no marbles to lose.

"I'm not crazy and I know I don't belong here. I won't argue with anything you said. I'm not one to lie to make someone feel better about themselves. And you were right about me not needing to be here. It's true I just made one mistake and this is where I ended up."

"They consider "emo" crazy these days. So if you cut yourself… BAM! You are sent to the looney house. You may think you aren't crazy but to everyone else you are insane. If I were you I would get used to the place. You are going to be here for awhile hon."

"Sooo, Ciel how does it feel to cut yourself? I'm just oddly curious," Elizabeth actually doesn't care one bit. I know. She just wants to get away from the idea of the **"crazies"** in this house.

I obediently answer her question… as soon as Sebastian rejoins us.

"Sure you want to hear this Doc? This one might be a doozy." I taunt him relishing in the utter unadulterated confusion on his face. Before he can ask what is going on I speak.

"When you cut yourself…"

**Nikki: Cutting it close aren't I? It was hard.**


	10. Feelings and Virgins?

**Nikki: YAY! I got it up today. I thought I would get it up tomorrow because I just got home from vacation. I learned that with 1 bag of chips, 3 bottles of sprite, and 1 cup of coffee and 6 hours of typing, revising and spell checking I can type 1,000 words. And that, folks show you how much I procrastinate.**

"When you cut yourself you feel alive. It makes you think as though you can actually feel something in this cruel, sick and twisted world. The glide of the knife, or pin in my case, leaving red trails in its wake fascinates. The pain distracts from everything you can think of that is wrong with life.

I trace the scars on my arm through the sleeve of my shirt, "When the experience is over you are left feeling empty. At that point you just want to restart the feeling again. I guess that's why I did not, could not, stop at one cut.

I look up, my eyes gleaming , and lock gazes with all three of my watchers. The biggest smile of my life is slapped on my face. "You know that feeling you get on a rollercoaster? Not the nauseous feeling, but the adrenaline pumping through your veins? Imagine that sensation mixed with anxiety, depression, sadness and any other emotion in between," Alois, Elizabeth and Sebastian all look dumbstruck. By the tears glistening in the blonde's eyes, they must be feeling bad for me. Sebastian's only tell about his pity are his garnet orbs that reveal everything.

Despite their pity looks, the smile doesn't vanish from my lips just yet. "Those feelings alone made me want to drop the pin and stop, yet it also made it oh-so-tempting to continue. The only problem is you feel really dead after. Afterwards you just feel ready to crawl under your bed, lay down and die. So in the end, cutting doesn't make you feel better and you are left in the same exact situation as before. Yup, that is the only set back to self harm, besides the harm you are doing o yourself."

I start to walk down the halls again, only to hear rushed footsteps follow me. Alois hurries in front o fme, and I wonder what I did wrong? This place is meant to help you speak your mind and get you over your past. Didn't I just do that by admitting cutting won't help me in the end? So what's the problem?  
"What? Sebastian has been on my ass since I started with his sessions, so I told him. And you and Elizabeth acted like what I did is a joke. So I decided that I would show how it real is." It is a bullshit lie, but it is the best I can do right now.

"None of that was true, is what you are trying to say? You know, Sebastian looked really worried. I think he was seconds from having you sedated and locked in your room."

"It was all true. Why would I need to lie?" I walk away from trying to explain myself. I don't like lying and explaining my reasons would mean piling a multitude of lies onto more lies.

"Sebastian doesn't like lying either, yet he never seems to tell the truth." I rather enjoy Alois' company (I'll never tell him though). Sebastian and he both have this comforting vibe to them, I don't want to trust them, yet I have to. Alois, though, seems to be an old soul, despite being only a few years older than me.

"What do you mean he never tells the truth?" I want answers before Elizabeth and the liar himself rejoin us. I never know I'll talk to Alois again.

The pair behind us are closing in on Alois and I; Alois realizes this and mysteriously replies. "You'll see. In GPS we have to talk about ourselves. When Sebastian speaks everything will sound like a truth, but it's not. Learn what is reality and what is fiction. Pay. Attention."

"So what are you two talking about?" Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Sebastian inquires, raising an eyebrow at how we are suddenly silent.

"Ciel was just telling me about he met you." My blond liar, stomps on my foot and in turn I scowl at him. It goes perfectly with our story. "You are such a gentlemen Sebby! I can't believe you met him by… Um, where was it again Ciel?"

"It was at the hospital. He wasn't a gentleman by the way. He totally left me there to be scolded-"

"that is so romantic, Sebby!" The squeal attacks my eardrums and cuts me off. "I can't believe you visited Ciel on his deathbed! Were you there when he woke up? Was it like Sleeping Beauty? Did you wake him from a 100 year sleep with true love's kiss? Oh my God! That is so cute!" Elizabeth bounces up and down.

My face becomes unbelievably hot and I suddenly find that everyone's shoes are pretty interesting. Sebastian has sneakers on, which complete the laid back look he has going on. Alois has some high heel boots and Elizabeth adorns white sandals. It is interesting how someone's shoes can tell you about their personality.

Sebastian looms above me. He is close enough that I can feel the vibrations of his laughter. I can sense the smirk that I can only associate with him.

"Look, Ciel is blushing like a_ virgin_," I can't recall who said it, I was a little busy. Oh, how I wish I could say I was one. I would cry but I doubt I would be able to with all the sobbing I've done this week.

My body is stiff and my eyes dart across the floor. Sebastian doesn't say anything yet his wine orbs are burning into my entire being. They run over my form, searching for something.

I'm determined not to tremble but my fist shakes lightly against my will. It will not stop so I shove both my hands in to my pockets and look up at my companions.

"_Well I guess I should be happy I'm not a virgin."_

**Nikki: One last announcement! I will be starting to update on Saturdays because I am starting to get home later. You know with it being summer in New York. I have things to do. Well Goodnight! AND REVIEW! **

**p.s. cutting it close again aren't I? Updating a couple minutes before midnight!**


	11. Finally Meet SOME of The Group

**Nikki: I'm on time today! WHOOP! *murmurs* Butaweeklate… Anyway don't kill me after you read the second line. By the way I have a little surprise for you guys at the end. *giggles* This one is the longest in a while. Don't you just miss the good ol' days. I had it done since Tuesday but I didn't really feel like breaking my courtesy of updating on Fridays. Well here we go.**

**Disclaimer: Do you doubt that I own Ciel Phantomhive? HE'S MINE AND ONLY MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! *tee hee***

Wait! I did not say that. No, I'm not denying it because I am in shock. I'm serious I didn't dare bother to say something witty like that.

Instead my mouth dares to open and shut without forming any words, leaving me gaping like a fish out of water. I look like a buffoon and one thing I, Ciel Phantomhive, hates is looking stupid.

Alois points and laughs at me, Elizabeth is trying to stifle her laughter though I know that deep down inside she wants to guffaw until she is left panting for breath on the floor. Sebastian is searching me with his eyes, as if he was looking for a sign that means I'm uncomfortable and he should stop things before they get out of hand.

Too bad he doesn't know that Alois already took it out of hand…

And Trancy is about to make it even worse.

"So by the face you're making I'm guessing it's true. No worries you'll lose it eventually. Maybe when you're twenty with your girlfriend or maybe in a thre-" Elizabeth shushes him but he has unleashed a beast within of me.

"Shut up." I say, but the blond doesn't know when to be quiet.

"Its okay, Ciel. Not everyone loses their v-card when they are fourteen like I did. No one judges you." It may seem like he is trying to say something nice, but I detect the intent to hurt.

He doesn't understand how much that hurts me. He got to lose his virginity willingly and when he was ready. I never had that chance and it angers me how he can just make it seem so **casual** as if it is nothing. It angers me how such **filth** got the easy hand where everything went his way, while I was the one who had to struggle through the whole game. It angers me at how he doesn't know that **I wish I could've been him**, that I could have had a **pleasurable** experience and not one that makes me flinch if someone so much as looks at me. He just doesn't know and neither does he care, and for that I justify any further actions from now on.

"I said shut up!" I tackle him to the floor. "You don't know me, so shut up!" With every word I punch Alois somewhere on his 'beloved face' as he calls it.

I have no choice but to fight against Sebastian too. He is trying to hold my arms back but I prove that anger gives you super strength.

"Ciel, stop! You're hurting him! Ciel, stop! Let go! JUST LET GO!" I shake my head stubbornly and continue to rain down punches on Alois.

Alois fights back and he tries to block my assault. He won't take to me leaving a fight without a scratch. He hits me once, twice, in my left eye and the tears that gather in both orbs may look, to others, to be from pain, but I know it isn't. It seems that one never can run out of tears.

I have a good look at Alois and assess the damage I have done to him. This is hardly the time though and the blond seems to get an advantage.

Soon enough I'm pinned beneath Trancy and he delivers one or two more blows before pinning my wrists above me.

This position (being pinned beneath someone) should bring back painful and traumatizing memories, though nothing comes to my mind. I guess the adrenaline coursing through my veins is starting to affect my brain; it won't allow me to do anything but try to struggle free. It feels exhilarating.

Trancy changes his position and now has one hand keeping my own from the tearing his throat out. The other is clenched tight within my deep slate tresses. He tugs harshly and forces me to look up at him.

I glare at him with my right eye, the right swollen and bruising. I struggle again but the wriggling around is futile. The end result is me losing breath quickly and not having enough strength to fight anymore.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Can you not take a joke?" Alois snarls at me. I growl low in my throat at him.

"None of that was a joke. Everything was real and I can't stand bastards like you! You never know the affect you have on others so you say stupid things. You don't think of your actions and it pisses me off!"

"I could say the same about you. I can't stand you 'cause you are just like the people you hate. People like you deserve to _die_." He states what everyone I have ever known always thought but was too afraid to say. I know I should die, everyone in my life (no matter how brief they were present) has thought the same thing. So why am I still here?

"You think I don't know that?" I retort before my whole body goes slack and I just stare at the ceiling. "But you know what? Innocent people are always the ones who die and I'm nowhere near innocent." I look him and I feel the fire burning in my eye. "So here I am and you can't do shit about it. The joke is on you because in the end the only one getting mad about my living is you." I laugh at him, wishing I could point at him like he had done me.

"Alois get off Ciel." Sebastian helps Alois off first and offers his hand to me; I refuse and stumble up myself. "I'm sorry for Ciel's actions. I forgot to inform you that certain topics will get him riled up and sometimes he lashes out." WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN! Does he not understand the concept of never regret?

"Why are you apologizing for me? I regret nothing. He deserved every punch he got."

"As did you, my good sir." Alois strolls up to me and we shake hands before stepping away.

"What the hell is going on?" Elizabeth screeches. "You two were just, uh… but now you're uh." She drags her hand down her face and says suddenly angered, "Boys are complicated creatures!"

I guess our fight made it seem like we hate each other, but really is just a spur of the moment thing. I mean what's that saying? Boys will be boys. I can't stay mad at Alois. He is my first friend in a while (if you could call him a friend).

I can see why Sebastian made us leave early. It's already 11:30, which means we have thirty minutes to get to GPS. Now they have me saying it. Crud.

**[*.*.*.*]**

The rest of the walk to GPS goes without a hitch. There were no fights, arguments. I can't even really recall there being anymore meaningful conversation. Besides the expected, "are you okay?" from Sebastian and an ignored, "I'm sorry for what I said." From Alois no one within our four talked to me.

Maybe they did and I was too lost in thought to realize. Hey, you never know.

We arrive at GPS and Sebastian urges me to walk in first. I grip the door handle and feel the tensed responses from the people behind me. I find no reason to be scared so I just walk right in with a shrug.

Automatically I feel like I walked into my worst nightmare and try to walk right back out. I'm stopped by a stern glare from Sebastian and from Alois and Elizabeth crossing their arms and then pointing at the room. I feel like a scolded child and try to pull on the puppy eyes that I know works on Sebastian (a fact learned during my second therapy session and I wanted cake).

Though before I can even jut my lip out I hear a yell, "HEY WHO'S THAT NEW KID?" I turn slowly after letting out a shuddering breath.

The boy has on cargo shorts and a striped shirt. He has blondish hair that looks more yellow-orange than anything. I pull out my polite smile and introduce myself.

"I'm Ciel and I'm new here. What's your name?" I feel like I'm talking to a little kid; I feel so degraded.

He pulls me into a hug and I flinch. He swings me around and I'm forced to pretend I'm okay. I keep the fake smile on my face and when he sets me down I back away but not too much to be conspicuous.

"I'm Finny. It's very nice to meet you. Did you know you are like the cutest thing here? Now what is a little kid doing in a mean place like this?" He smiles reassuringly and I want to scream in frustration. He doesn't mention my eye, which I am thankful for. I do not want to have to explain why the fight happened in the first place.

"I'm not a kid. I actually happen to be 16. I am here for a reason. I'm not ready to share that so it would be really nice it you didn't ask about it." I ask, becoming that one timid little kid that spoke to his crush for the first time. I know this isn't really the person I am but I don't want to be a bad impression for everyone.

Finny pulls me into another bone-crushing hug and I wince. Everyone's eyes are on me, some curious and others seem spiteful.

I can feel that tight creeping in my chest, the one that signals my anxiety starting to grab a hold and pull me under. I can sense every single pair of eyes on me. There seem to be more looks than when I first entered, I hope that I'm just paranoid and none of that is true. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating and running. Though, Sebastian rescues me in time and I don't end up causing a scene on my first day here.

"Hey guys. We have a new kid here, so how about we start a little early?"

**Sebastian's P.O.V**

My new patient Ciel tends to be a handful. He has problems with people and not to mention trust issues. He is my first patient in a while. He's a tough one, but I have always liked challenges.

At the current moment he is sitting by himself in the corner. Everyone else is gathering in their usual chairs for GPS. I see Ciel's two 'friends' are contemplating dragging the lithe boy from his spot.

He just sits there looking at everyone bustling. I feel sympathy for teh boy and myself. Sadly, since I missed last week I have to take care of the kids all this week. This mught be interesting,

"Hello, once again everybody. As I have already said we have a new patient. Ciel how about you come over here and we can get you a seat closer to everyone else?" I gesture for the lone boy to join us.

"I'm fine where I currently am Sebastian." I internally sigh, he is being stubborn. He is dead set on staying away from everyone. I should have seen this coming when Alois and Elizabeth told me that my patient was adamant on not interacting with anyone. I decide to just turn back to the others who are staring at the new addition.

"Well everyone the boy over there is Ciel Phantomhive. As you should know from personal experience, this is his second week at St. John's and his first time in GPS. He's been a handful for me, and he is as stubborn as a mule." I disregard the snort coming from the corner of the room. "How about we go around and introduce ourselves. Just say your name and something about yourself. Who would like to start?"

No one raises their hands for some odd reason. I know that Ciel is kind of intimidating when you meet him. I mean he was screaming in his sleep the first time I saw him. But usually there would be at least one person who wants to speak. Actually most of the kids in here are not against talking all at the same time, as long as it means getting heard.

"No one wants to go? That is odd; I guess I'll have to pick myself." My hand on my chin, I start to think aloud. "Alois, Elizabeth and Finny seem to have already met Ciel so they shouldn't have to go. Meyrin has a fear of public speaking so she can't, so that leaves everyone else. Soma, why don't you come introduce yourself to Ciel."

The group sighs in relief. Soma stands –though I meant we should speak from our seats- but I join him as he walks to Ciel. I realize it would be best to coax Ciel away from his seat, so he could properly meet everyone.

"Ciel you have to sit with the rest of the group. But before we find you a seat meet Soma." I gesture to the male standing next to me. He doesn't look as reluctant as before.

Soma pulls Ciel into a one arm hug and lifts him from the stool the traumatized boy was settled in. Soma pulls Ciel towards the others and says in the most protective voice ever, "I'm Soma and I vow to protect you from the dangers of this world. You may call me Prince Soma as does everyone else here does. I will be your protector, savior, best friend and your prince."

Ciel's eye twitches just slightly. He's going to crack any second now. I can only feel sympathy for the next person who dares touch the fragile, insecure boy that stand rigid before me.

Why did I even allow Soma so close to this boy? I know Soma is very touchy, yet I allowed this. Is it that somewhere deep within I thought that maybe Ciel wouldn't react like this in front of these kids.

Is it because I hope that maybe Ciel's problems are only an illusion he created? Was it maybe that I hope that Ciel is a victim of schizophrenia?(1) Though that is not a good thing, it is better to be reliving illusions rather than actual tormenting memories. I can do nothing but dream that this kid has never had to go through something as traumatic and horrifyingly disgusting as rape.

Not that Ciel could ever be disgusting. No he is just a helpless kid that strives to be independent. He's just a kid that couldn't help but mask his feelings of vulnerability into anger until he could be alone- until he was sure no one could hear his sobs.

Oh, dear God. What have I gotten myself into?

This poor, unfortunate soul doesn't need therapy he needs emotion management. He needs someone to cry on. He needs to let go.

Yet he has those walls built up with bricks and metal bars, not to mention those barbed wired fences too. It's going to be a lot of work. It's going to take a lot effort and patience too.

But someone has to do it. Someone has to tear them down even if it kills them in the end. I guess I'm the lucky bastard that has to do it.

I can't even sense any remorse at the thought of being the being that tears down this kid's walls. Figuring out what the true Ciel Phantomhive is like, that is a reward in and of itself.

**(1) Scizophrenia is a mental disorder that involves you thinking things are happening that are really not. You may think people are reading your mind, you hear voices in your head. Someone with scizophrenia might sit down and not move or talk for hours. They may even believe people are plotting to harm them or have harmed them already. These things allow scizophrenzics to become withdrawn or really agitated very quickly. If you have any questions feel free to PM me and I will try to answer as best I can.**

**Nikki: The surprise is… Sebastian's POV and cookies to those who review! It made everything sappy and shit but it was necessary to get Ciel's healing started. Not to mention Sebastian Michaelis had an epiphany! I liked writing in Sebastian's POV. Okay I lied, I loved it. Oh and quick question! Do you guys like 2,000 word chapters like this but every two weeks or 1,000 word chapters every week? I want to know! I need to know! One last thing! I am single again baby! No heartbreak here though! Just felt like keeping you informed! (Meaning I wanted to make the chapter longer!) You guys don't care about my personal life!**


	12. The Challenge

**Nikki: I just realized my school is starting up again soon! I start August 3O which is about 13 days from now! I get a lot of detentions which means more time to shoot spit-wads and write this in my notebook! So you can probably expect a lot more words once I get back into the routine of school. Or less depending on what happens.**

**Disclaimer: Dear Yana Toboso, the only person who owns Ciel Phantomhive is Sebastian Michaelis, comprende? Love, Nikki.**

**[*.*.*.*]**

Soma is another interesting character in this strange place. He makes me call him Prince Soma. He declares himself 'my best friend' much to Alois' and Elizabeth's chagrin. He is just in casual clothing, a recurring style within everyone here. His pants are baggy and I can't decide if they are overly large sweats or cargo pants without many pockets. His shirt is a black tank-top that is two sizes too large. I guess they want us to feel comfortable here, so they decide we could wear whatever.

Sebastian is lost in thought standing next to me. I can only assume he is determining where he should seat me. I see a myriad of emotions flash through his eyes. There is confusion, regret, disgust and more others. It makes me wonder if this man is really arranging seats.

"Come on, Ciel. A seat for you is our new priority. Then you can meet the rest of the group." The raven next to me is so insistent; Soma nodding his head in agreement.

I give up and just give into his whims. There is no point in arguing. I know that I will be forced to sit with some moron. There is no way past the inevitable.

"Fine, but I will not- I repeat- will not sit next to Twiddle Dumb and Twiddle Dumber over there," I point to the blonde ditz' chatting amongst themselves and sneaking glances at me.

"Of course not, your highness, whatever you want is my command." Sebastian is so fudging sarcastic sometimes.

I ignore any and all comments from Sebastian and Soma. I don't want their approval. They aren't special to me, so I feel no need to have to cooperate with them.

The chairs are arranged in a semi-circle so that everybody can make eye contact with the other. Sebastian leads me to a chair on the opposite side of the semi-circle. I have a feeling that the seat is similar to a "hot seat". It is a shame really; the arrangement means I cannot just ignore the people around me. I have a hunch that I will be forced to participate to cease the curiosity of their puny minds.

"Well now that you are seated Ciel, should we introduce you to everyone?" I don't necessarily think that he wanted an answer. I think he intends for the question to be rhetorical… Too bad I really don't care.

"No, we shouldn't."

Of course Michaelis couldn't care less about what I think too… as always,

"Okay guys, go around and say your name, age and anything you want may go in whatever order you want, but please refrain from talking simultaneously with another. " That ignorant bastard. He consistently is disregarding what I want.

"I'm Bardroy- don't call me that, call me Bard- I'm 18." An older equivalent of Finny said, pulling a cigarette from his jeans' pocket. After putting the cancer stick in between his lips he gestured to the female beside him, who was pulling at her maroon pigtails. "This girl is Meyrin and she is 18 same as me. She has a talking problem so I thought I'd speak for her." Bard was about to light his cigarette when it was pulled from his mouth by an irritated raven.

"Thank you Bard for helping out Mey, but I think I have told you many a time not to smoke, especially not in the hospital." The crimson eyed male spins the nicotine between his fingers while walking towards a trash can in the far left corner of the room.

Bard mumbled a 'whatever' that was ignored in favor of the next patient's introduction. "I'm Joker, 17, and I like to entertain others." A male near the center of the semi-circle says with cheerfulness.

I watched as the auburn haired male emphasizes his point by trying to balance a pencil on his nose. But I am not amused at the little show, the trick actually does little to make me smile or even stare in awe. I mean the trick wasn't even that hard to do. I mean how hard could it be to balance a pencil on your nose? All it takes is a point of pivot and for you not to move for a substantial amount of time. I will have to try that some time to make a point.

I am broken from my thoughts when a girl grunts from Joker's right side, "Beast, 17." It is the bluntest piece of dialogue I have ever heard but I admire that she can lace so much intimidation into two words.

The room is silent until a voice speaks up from the corner. "I'm Doll, 16 and I like sports," The kid seems very normal and sounds like she doesn't belong here. The others have this sort of way they speak that makes them seem loony.

This girl doesn't have that quality, but her appearance is something else. She is dressed in black skin-tight jeans that are held up with a neon pink shoe lace- makeshift belt. Her hair is short and dirty blonde, her shirt a hot pink with girl skulls all over it.

I scan my eyes over at the nine people in the group and know the names of eight of them. I wait for the pale individual to introduce himself, but his lips are sealed tight. I wait patiently for the next person to speak. I train my eyes on the stranger and wait for the lips to form words. Someone clears their throat and the teen sighs. I can't blame his silence on the fact that he didn't know he was the only one left. He seems to know that he should have spoken. He chose not to speak.

"I'm Snake, 17, 'You are a conceited brat' Wendy says."

I'm generally stunned at the words that came out of his mouth. I don't let the expression show on my face though. Wait, who the hell is Wendy?

I compose my thoughts and instead just choose to glance at the others' reactions. After seeing the expression of utter shock on everyone's faces I turn back to Snake and say with the utmost confidence, "I guess I will have to change her opinion won't I?"

Snake glares at me and waits a while before replying, "'Is that a challenge?' Wendy asks."

I smirk and say without hesitation, "You can bet your snakes it is."

**Nikki: OOOOH! A CHALLENGE BETWEEN CIEL AND SNAKE! How will this turn out? On another note, Three weeks! I made you wait that long for one chapter! And it wasn't even long or good! I'm sorry and I guess Ihave to say this now. *sighs* I have hit a block. Yes I, Nikki P, have got writers' block. I didn't think it would happen either, but it has. I'm sorry for the sucky quality. A few ideas would help a lot though. You guys deserve better than the stuff I gave you this week.**


	13. Worries

**Nikki: I'm a minute late, sue me.**** I felt upset that I got so little feedback on the last chapter. But I guess you guys are even more upset at me for producing such crap. I can't even be upset that some people might have given up on this story.**

**Disclaimer: Do you own Black Butler? No? Do I own Black Butler? No.**

I have no clue what brought upon the sudden urge to want to say something like that to someone. Especially to someone like Snake. Who knows what he might do to me? He doesn't seem like the type to go easy on people.

The group talked for a while before we left back to our rooms. Well most of the group talked. We did this trust exercise also; I don't think it has a name because Sebastian didn't inform us of it. Anyway, the exercise involved us writing down a secret on an egg and then throwing the egg to our partner. They wanted us to know that our secrets we safe and that we could tell others without their being any judgment.

I must admit the other kids looked like they were enjoying GPS. I didn't participate with the others. Sebastian offered to play the game with me. He even started to write on the egg, he tossed the written egg at me but I ignored it. It fell to the floor with a splat and I believe that Sebastian gave up on me.

And that is how I ended up having these conversations with my prying therapist at 3 o' clock.

"Why don't you want to participate with the others Ciel? You do realize it is for your own good?" The raven sitting across from me asks. Sebastian had told me to sit anywhere I would be comfortable so I did… right in the big office chair behind his desk.

I want to avoid his questions. I could simply ignore them, but from past failures I have ended up revealing large quantities of my life to this man. And I don't even want to. I want to push him aside and jokingly declare world domination in the chair too big for my own good.

Instead I shrug and answer in the simplest way I can, "I don't know. I just don't like other people, and I do believe that is completely understandable for me."

"It is okay to be afraid of your attackers. I think that is understandable but you cannot fear all of society the way you do. You need to realize that some people are really nice and caring and you can't just push them away."

"I do not push people away. I just don't let people get close to me. Once again, I think that is fairly reasonable." I roughly set my feet on the floor and my arms grip the arm rests of the leather chair.

"If that is all you are going to say for this whole topic we might as well move onto the next one." The garnet eyed male sighed and introduced our new topic, "So Ciel, why did you have to cause problems with Snake today?"

I smile innocently and then reply, "You thought I was causing trouble? Oh no, I was just changing the dude's opinion of me. How can he just judge me without knowing all the pain I've been through? I must form his thoughts of me into the person I actually am and not the person he chose to see."

Sebastian laughs and it is the weirdest sound ever. I can't tell if it was forced, genuine or just purely Sebastian. It was a mixture between a chortle and a full out guffaw. I can't say I hate it and I can't say I love it. I think it is the first time I ever even paid attention to this man- or anyone for this matter.

Quickly I focus my attention on Sebastian again. He is serious once again. I can tell he wants to inquire something very important about me next. It seems like a serious question and I don't know if I can really even speak about it yet.

"Ciel, I know you may not feel comfortable but do you want to talk about _it? _You don't' have to but it is okay to want to and I can't judge you for anything you say."

"You get paid to say that," I rolled my eyes, "As if I am really going to believe everything you say. What do you think this is? A really sappy movie where I have to listen to the script? I have to tell you everything because that means the movie will come out good? Well here is a much needed reality check: life is not a perfect screen shot. There are actual things that happen and nothing ever goes the way you want it to. "I'm hyperventilating now. My hands are shaking and my voice is wavering and I feel sick to my stomach. Sebastian is staring at me and he looks to be contemplating on whether or not he should confront me.

He just glances at me and sighs, which he does a lot around me. Then he smiles- don't get your hopes up, its fake- and asks if I want to have some water and some lunch.

I highly doubt I could hold anything done at the moment but I don't turn away the offer. I haven't eaten since the pancakes supplied me this morning. Also Alois told me about a kid named Dagger who ended up on a supposed fourth floor where they keep the kids n precaution. I don't really favor gossip, but after hearing he ended up their by trying to kill himself, I've been concerned. I think not eating might be mistaken for trying to off yourself through starvation.

So I join Sebastian in the walk to the cafeteria which I've only seen once before. I don't know where I will sit and who will be there and if anyone would like to talk to me.

I don't know how I will face Snake if I see him in the cafeteria either. Now I realize that I have no plan on how I am going to show Snake I'm a normal un-conceited child.

And then I have my psychiatrist breathing down my neck about my raping and my supposed 'people problems'. And then I have him wanting to get into my life and help me with them.

_But of course there is nothing to be worried about it._


	14. My Knife

**Nikki: Hey guys! I'm back! *dodges projectiles thrown at me* Well, anyway, as you could see this up on a Tuesday instead of a Friday! And it is not because I didn't know the date! You know what that means? DOUBLE UPDATE WEEK! Aren't you guys pumped? *cricket cricket* Woo! You guys must be speechless! **

**Disclaimer: I have kidnapped Ciel Phantomhive and he currently resides in my bedroom on a shelf. *Yana Toboso breaks in* No! You can keep Sebastian and Grell just let me keep the adorable shota! *Toboso drags Ciel away* WHY?!**

I know should have been more worried about what I would see when I enter the cafeteria. I should be petrified about the people I see right now.

A man- I think- is latching onto the raven's arm and is doing what I suppose is a seductive dance. He is covered in red, and have I not known better, I would have assumed Madame Red is now a transvestite. Sebastian shakes off the man and leads me to a secluded table. The cafeteria may as well have been deserted by the way everything was silent.

All eyes are on me. Their gazes are burning into my back. It is suffocating; I am deathly uncomfortable. I'll admit: I, Ciel Phantomhive, want to crawl into a hole. I don't appreciate attention; I prefer being locked in my room with a book then with a bunch of other teens out on the streets. If only I had anticipated the stares a new kid would get, maybe then I would be prepared for this.

Though, I've had plenty of these curious stares since I was ten. That didn't mean I was used to their gazes by any means.

"Sebastian, they are staring at me." I whispered to the man across from me who was just leaning back against his chair. The eyes were scorching my back more than before.

"Ciel, I have told you several times that if you just go and introduce yourself they will stop. Didn't you know that if you satisfy their curiosity they will leave you alone?"

"And I know that I specifically told you that social skills are not my strong suit. Nonetheless I don't really like people, staring at me or not. It's just weird."

"If you get up and make some friends maybe you won't have that problem anymore. I know I have told you that before myself." He retorts and I notice how tired he looks.

His eyes seem to become more blood shot by the minute. Beneath his eyes he is forming dark circles and normally I would have felt bad.

The key word here is 'almost'. I would have felt bad. Then I remember that he _asked _for this. Sebastian _wanted _to help a charity case like me. He wanted me to quickly adjust to this place and be like all the others.

But I'm not like everyone else, I never will be. I wish I could but it will never happen. It's too late for me. I can never be the same person I was before. It's too late for me.

"_It's too late for me._" I whisper but I feel like it had echoed and the whole world can hear me.

"Phantomhive." I turned in my seat and met the cold- yet smirking- eyes of Snake. "I see that you are still the same spoiled brat you were an hour ago. Such a pity, tha-"

"And how did you conclude that? Have you ever known me? Did you meet me in some other realm where I was spoiled? What do you known of what I have been through?" I cut the man before me off. "I probably have been in an abundant amount of disgusting circumstances more in my short life than you ever will. And if that means I have become spoiled, I can guarantee that I honestly, deep in my heart, don't give a crap. If that bothers you, you can take it up with me when I actually do give a fuck." I flash the one finger salute to the blond haired hellion that I want to maim. I bet my eyes are just as cold as his are but instead of smirking they are burning with a flame

I stand up; grab a bag of Doritos and a Coke from a rack conveniently located near Sebastian and I's table and storm away from the vicinity. If that didn't teach him that I'm a person that could care less about what others thinks of me I don't know what will. Snake is just another judgmental bastard that thinks he can understand what I am going through without even experiencing the things I have. I laugh as my thoughts turn to Sebastian.

Sebastian is just like Snake. He is another one of these people who think they can help based on what they read and learn at a school. They think they can know every little thing going on in the human mind because they passed a course in college about other's feelings and facial expressions. They think that they can understand what a person is going through by flipping through their file. In my opinion those are the people who need the most help.

I laugh out loud at the irony. My parents sent me here, seeking help for their broken child when in actuality; the person meant to help is the one who should be seeking it.

Due to my outburst of giggles I gain a few stares in my direction. I stick my tongue out at the gawkers childishly and guffaw some more at my antics. I normally would have been petrified that I was slowly becoming one of _them_. The characters in my life, in this place, that I don't want to know. These people that I am actually horrified of turning into.

I fear that I am going crazy and that I am at the edge of my sanity. It has happened before and I briefly recognize it was the first time my wrist got acquainted with the blade of my mother's favorite kitchen knife.

Images flash into my head at the thought about that knife; personally it was my favorite too. The blade cut through flesh very well, not necessarily human all the times either. My arm automatically comes up to scratch at my bandages once again. I find myself doing this a lot. The nurses have taken the time to change the gauze a few times and the scars that are left are a bad reminder. I wish I could turn back time and grab a knife from the lunch room. Sebastian wasn't looking at me so I doubt I would have been caught.

That would have been the perfect opportunity to be alone. I could have ended my misery. It was like every time the chance comes I make a small mistake that jeopardizes the whole plan. Hell knows Sebastian would have left me alone but it would have been better than just sitting in my prison and occupying myself with a book.

Even if I did not succeed in my goal, at least I would have left this world for some amount of time, no matter how brief. The blood dripping down the side of my arm. The numbness filling all my limbs. I let out a miniscule moan at the thought.

I miss my knife. _A lot._

**Nikki: Wow. That was the best I could do in a two month span. I suck. Well anyway I was laughing my butt off at the last paragraph. I was inspired to write that because my friend's favorite pocket knife was swept away by Hurricane Sandy and he sat on the floor crying, screaming that. You know what my creative writing teacher said? "I create anticipation without meaning to." I died laughing and thought that she was joking. I didn't even know until she pointed it out in some of my story. I was amazed. When did my author's notes become blog? Does anybody know the answers to these questions?!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Nikki: Yeah, hey... Um, how's it going? This was supposed to be the second update from like two weeks ago. Then I was going to put it up on Tuesday, and then I was going to put it up on Thursday for Thanksgiving, then I was going to put it up yesterday but i ended up putting it up today. Sorry...? And I am proud to say: I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS! Nah. I kid, I kid. I HAVE FOUN THE SECRET TO UPDATING STORIES FROM MY PHONE AND IPOD! So I don't need to use the library computers anymore!**

**Disclaimer: Um, do I look Japanese to you? No? Then obviously I'm not Yana Toboso and I don't own Black Butler!**

**Thank you, now enjoy the chapter guys.**

I stare forward in my new haven. I've been trying to get better. I haven't told Sebastian of my craving for knives. He would think he was getting somewhere with me. Which he isn't. Technically.

But I'm starting to contemplate giving him what he wants just so I can make him look less is always tired and doesn't put up as much of a fight as usual.

My room hasn't changed much since my mental breakdown a few days ago. Neither has anything or anyone else. Mey is still a selective mute, Lizzy is still bipolar, Bard is still a pyromaniac, Alois is still a whorish little bastard, Freckles still seems normal. Sebastian and Snake are both bastards still.

Though my scars are a whole different story. I've realized my arms don't seem to be healing anymore. I've basically torn the skin from my forearms and biceps. I've been trying not to scratch; to avoid the temptation of that ominous feeling of blood running down my arm. Of course no one has noticed, but I know that won't last long.

In this place the nurses are the ones who care about your physical well being. The psychiatrists are in charge of your mental state. It's not that they don't care per se but more like they have a more stressing job of keeping us away from ourselves. If that makes sense.

My thoughts have been everywhere lately. I don't know what to focus on. Times like this I wish I had someone to talk to. No one here understands what I tried to do. I barely understand the logic behind everything, it feels like a dream. A hazy illusion that I won't remember in the morning. The red flowing down my arm, it looks like a faded picture. My alabaster skin is not the crème color it used to be, but now it is white and so very blurry.

The pain that is throbbing through my nerves feel different too, before it was calming. It was more like ecstasy running through my veins, and not so much pain.

"Hey Ciel. I brought breakfast. How does bacon, egg and cheese sound?" Scents waft around the four walls, one of them is the distinct smell of Sebastian's cologne. The other smell invades my nostrils and I want to gag. It is too much. All of it is too much.

"S-Sebastian, I don't feel so good…" My voice is weak.  
Everything is swimming before me. I can't tell what is upright and what is upside down. I don't know which part of me is twisting; my heart or my stomach. And throughout this all; my arm still has an insatiable itch. I want to take a shower.

"Ciel, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Sebastian is at my bedside now. His hand is trying to stop the scratching. My long sleeve shirt is now rubbing uncomfortably against my torn flesh. I try to writhe away from the sensation. Sebastian takes note of my squirming and settles down in front me.

I try to stand up quickly. "Shower. I need a shower." I struggle against the raven before me when he tightens his hand around my arm. I shake my head profusely, "Let go. I'm dirty, dirty. I need a shower. Sebastian. Dirty, dirty, dirty." I'm rambling and my own words seem to mush together. Sebastian is shaking his head quickly back and forth, my eyelids are open so wide but I can't seem to be able to close them or lower them to anything more comfortable. I feel like my cornea is ripping and my eyes are now tearing to prevent my blue orbs from drying out.

"Ciel! What did you take? Ciel, answer me. What did you take?" My eyes are shifting from his lips that are moving and back to his garnet irises. The words are registering in my head but I have no idea what is the meaning behind them. What does he mean by 'take'? I haven't taken anything. I'm no thief. I try to communicate this but everything sounds like gibberish in my own ears so I can't even begin to imagine what they must sound like to my therapist.

Before I can even tell what is going on Sebastian is cradling my head in his hands and his velvety voice is filling my ears. "Ciel. I think you are going through withdrawal. Ciel please pay attention to what I'm about to say. This is important and you have to respond honestly, I won't be mad. No one will be mad." I just nod absently, trying to gain all of my senses enough so I that I can respond honestly and not even lie unintentionally. "Are you on drugs Ciel? Have you ever taken drugs?

I shake my head rashly trying to get across my point across. "No… drugs. Never… What's wrong…? Withdrawal? Sleeping pills…? That count?" I recall my mom has been giving me pills to sleep once every three days because I've been having trouble sleeping since the accident. But she used them as directed, I've seen the bottles. They aren't strong either; they rarely ever put me to sleep.

Sebastian rubs his hands up and down my arms and I wince because the heat from his hands plus the rubbing of the itchy cotton shirt aren't exactly what I would call comfortable.

Sebastian must have caught on to my discomfort because his arm went to resting on the nape of my neck.

"Okay. How many times have you taken them? How often? Since what age?" He is patient like that time I was locked up in my room. He seems like a psychiatrist most when I am in dire need or when I am most vulnerable. It feels good to have someone besides a knife and paramedics to be there to help me at my weakest moments.

"Ten. Since I was ten, twice times a week." My stomach feels funny. A churning, like someone started mixing up all the contents with a spoon, at 100 miles per hour.

"That isn't enough to cause someone to go into withdrawal. And he isn't vomiting, so what the fuck is going on?!" Sebastian is practically yanking his hair out of the roots trying to figure this all out.

Sebastian is losing his cool, this must be very bad. He never curses either so I'm very worried for my safety. What if I die? A couple of weeks ago I wouldn't have cared but now I don't want the only thing people remember about me is that I was the 'suicidal emo kid'. I want to be known as someone, and not just the little rape story that everyone remembers as a pity child.

I really don't want to die anymore. But I guess God is telling me it is now my time. Is this Karma or an epiphany?

I wonder if anyone will cry for me? Would anyone even bother to come to my funeral? Even my parents whom I had disappointed so greatly that they sent me practically a world away from them? I doubt it.

I really liked the feeling cutting gave me but could that even become an addiction? Something that you could get sick without? I mean, I've been cutting for years and there isn't much distance in time between each session. So it could be a possibility, but I don't want that to happen to me.

All my thoughts are cut off when Sebastian's smooth voice echoes in my ears and I realize that I'm gripping the sheets and sweating bullets.

"Ciel, you are going to be okay. Nothing will happen to you. We are going to get through this. I don't know what is going on exactly, but you are not going to go through this without me. You don't need to be scared because everything will be fine. Understand?" i nod and he nods back and his fingers tangle into my baby hair at the base of my neck once again.

Is it bad that I don't really care that his words are awfully cliche? That I really like the warmth his comforting smile emanates at me? That I _love _that it feels like Sebastian _cares _deeply for my health?

That I don't really care that he is just a therapist? That I don't want to think of him as a therapist anymore? That I want him to be the only one who wants me to live? That I don't even care if I wake up tomorrow or next week and find out it was all Just a dream? That I wouldn't have a problem with Sebastian telling me it was just to help a patient? Or to realize everything was just a charade or a facade?

I wouldn't care at all. _Nope, not at all._

**Nikki: Awww! I made Ciel so kawaii! For someone with a gaping hole in his arm Yeah so sorry that this was late! I'm trying really hard, but my school doesn't allow me in the creative writing class anymore because I've been in it since fifth grade. But I'm fighting the student council for a seat! So wish me luck?! See you soon!**


	16. Chapter 16

I'm NOT A Sad Story chap. 16

I wonder if I'm dying. I mean, I'm feverish, sweating bullets and vomiting repeatedly. I'm just waiting for the asthma and tuberculosis that comes with death. I wouldn't be surprised if that comes next.

Sebastian and I are being confined to my room. Not confined per se, we **can **leave. It's just not advised for Sebastian to leave me alone, and it's not like I can go anywhere. My head is practically stuck to the the toilet seat.  
"Sebastian, can I die now?" I ask between my gagging and dry heaving. I haven't eaten anything but water and crackers which the nurses told me I would handle. So far, they've lied- anything that enters my mouth leaves my mouth sooner or later.

Sebastian runs his left hand up and down my back which I find very comforting. After another set of hacking into the toilet he smiles reassuringly and shakes his head in a negative. "It's okay. The nurses said the vomiting urges should be ending soon. So you can't die yet."  
I groan loudly before the sound of digested food splattering into the porcelain bowl beneath me bounces off the walls. "I don't think I can last that long Sebastian. It hurts to barf this much. And I'm hungry. I want pancakes." In recent days I have learned that pleading for something to Sebastian will get me anything I want (hence my recent addition: the final book to 'Vampire Kisses' on my bookshelf).

Sebastian ignores my request. I have also realized in recent days if the nurses don't confirm it first, I get nothing. And the nurses don't confirm anything health related that I want. They have no sympathy for someone on their deathbed.

"Ciel." Sebastian breaks me from my thoughts. I gag and realize with a smile that there is nothing left in my stomach. "Come on. Get up Ciel, you need a shower."

A shower? And how does he propose I do that? I can hardly sit and he wants me to stand for an undetermined amount of time? I feel like sometimes Sebastian ignores some serious details about me. He's really smart sometimes but others he's an imbecile.

I stand despite my obvious uncertainty and displeasure. I need help keeping myself upright by Sebastian. We limp over to the tub and Sebastian helps me seat myself on the ledge. I wait for him to leave before I undress.  
He exits and I strip down to nothing. I carefully stand so I don't get a head rush, or get the urge to vomit or any of the other bull that's been happening to me that I don't understand. I straighten my back and a nauseating feeling comes over me that wasn't there when I sat down. I decide a bath is best for someone in my situation and set the water to scalding.

This is the first bath I've been allowed to take since I've become sick. Sebastian has been adamant about my thinking "I'm dirty" which I still think I am. But no one needs to know that I feel the need to scratch all the skin off my body so a brand new layer would grow to replace it. I sit down, my bottom rubbing against the adhesive stickers put on the bathtub comfortably. The water is hot against my skin but I feel as though liquid ice is running through my veins.

I look around for soap and notice that none is in here. It seems really stupid. I mean, COME ON, they had painted the walls when I first came here to match my eyes. Couldn't they remember to put a couple bars of soap in the cabinet? Or- at the very least- somewhere I could easily gather them?  
I shrug off my troubles and unwrap the bandages that are practically holding my arm together. The skin is back where I had started two weeks ago. Perhaps even worse. The area where I had scratched myself into genuine pain and bliss is a mixture of bruised, swollen, and slashed open. It stings when I move and there is blood that pooled there that hasn't even turned into a scab yet. I don't believe he would be worried-because it's just 4 diagonal zigzags across my bicep- but I don't tell Sebastian how bad it's gotten.

I wonder if my arm is infected. I doubt it but I don't need anyone worrying so I don't bother to inform anyone. Sebastian is the only one who can help me in situations like this, but I'm not totally ready to let him in. That's too dangerous. Plus what I have convinced myself- that he only cares because its his job- is embedded into my brain.

Sebastian knows all the essentials to me, but I barely know him at all. Why he would help me when I've been declared a charity case is still unknown.  
I have been begun to claw at my arm again. It has become a habit that I don't know how to stop. It is not addictive, nor does it give the pleasure that cutting gave. I can't seem to cut it off either way. It doesn't give me a high, or make me feel alive. It doesn't make me feel as though the world is finally giving me a break. It does nothing for me. I actually want to stop but my mind is on overload and is doing it compulsively. It is out of instinct that I continue, my brain is so used to completing this task. Running a knife up and down my arm repetitively has morphed into digging my nails into my skin and peeling away the layers until I reach bone.

The smell of blood is slowly filling the air. The water is turning pink. I can't see my arm anymore. Nor can I see the tips of my fingers as they disappear into my flesh. It reminds me of that day. The day I wanted my life to end. The knife entering my skin, pulling it apart.

The only difference between now and then**: I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SLIP UNDER THE DARKNESS OF DEATH. NOW I AM PETRIFIED OF THE DARK THAT AWAITS ME WHEN I'M CLOSE TO DEATH.**

**NIKKI: SO SORRY THIS IS LATE AND SHORT! But expect another short one on Christmas!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Nikki: *rubs head sheepishly* Yeah, as much as I love this story I have other priorities that need to be taken care of. Such as taking care of my five little brothers that can't keep their asses on the damn couch for an hour so I can type. So sorry guys that this is late.**

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked I was Puerto Rican and not Japanese. So obviously I don't own Black Butler.**

* * *

I feel like everything is happening in slow motion. My abnormally long nails pull up flesh form my arm until I can't even recognize what was there. But now, unlike before, I don't feel the pain. It's there of course but it doesn't feel like it.

I watch far away from my actual body. Everything is happening to my physical form, though it doesn't register in my mind. Sebastian would claim it had something to do with my subconscious trying to block the pain. And I would retort saying that it was all bullshit and that the brain couldn't pull that off because it wasn't smart enough. I know now, that the brain has a myriad of defense mechanisms that help keep us all sane.

The brain tries to keep hurtful memories and events buried deep to protect us, I just wish mine had done this soon after I was raped. Maybe I would have some sort of a normal life where everyone but me would remember. My brain would have blocked the feeling of blood and semen running down my legs and the appearance of my attackers. My mind must be somewhat slower than most, despite what most had said about being more intelligent than people my age. I bet it's because intelligence and wisdom comes quickly when you've gone through half of what I've been through.

I vaguely take note of the water getting cold and my arms gradually sliding down to rest by my thighs in the dirty water. There is a large racket outside the door and I watch as my own head moves facing that direction. My eyes are unfocused and probably glazed. Something clatters to the floor right outside the room, obviously it was something metallic. There is a loud swear that reverberates throughout my mental ward.

I instantly recognize the silken voice that has become as soothing to me as a mother's heartbeat to a child in the womb. It is now my personal lullaby, in case I didn't emphasis that enough. It reminds me of what could have been rekindled with my mother if I had not been sent here.

I wonder when everything in my head had become frantic and I couldn't hold my attention on the same thing for too long. Everything is swimming around in my head again; all of the images before me blurring together to become the greatest abstract painting I have ever seen.

My teeth start to chatter loudly and goose bumps form along my forearms and whatever is left of my bicep. My thighs quiver from the cold air hitting them suddenly. When had the water been drained? Where had these excessive amounts of blood come from? Why had they not been drained with the rest of it? How am I left sitting in a puddle of my own blood? I stutter when I speak, but my voice is drowned out by the _thwack_ of enormous glops of blood and skin meshed together falling against the side of the tub.

"S-Sebas-stian." Did he not realize that the water had long been shut off? How could he leave me here to take care of myself when obviously I couldn't even shower alone? I get the sudden urge to slam my hands on something. Though my hands are long since useless. My body has learned from its mistakes. My brain knows not to move my arms because of the extensive pain that will echo in my nerve receptors for days. So I just stand for sitting there. And possibly letting the life seep out of me with every sound of the life sustainment fluid that seeps form my wound.

I see no use in getting up and saving myself. There was a reason I had taken a bath instead of a shower. I can barely sit up and I can't even hold myself responsible for what may happen to me if I try to rescue myself instead of waiting for my knight in black armor to save me. Small chuckles break through my chapped lips, and there is the sound of more stuff hitting the floor. Though it seems to be closer than before.

I open my eyes (when exactly had they closed again?) and realize where the sound I coming from. Sebastian is kneeling in front of me. A towel is being wrapped I front of me. I feel sort of light headed and giddy as I'm lifted up franticly. Sebastian stumbles when rushing me out of the bathroom and I chuckle some more. He has been so calm and teasing the last few days, now he is panicking at the sight of a little blood.

Sebastian looks at me, and he apparently realizes something because his eyes widen. I feel a sudden breeze, and- shit- I forgot I was naked. Maybe if I wasn't bleeding to death I could care about my nether regions being paraded in front of my therapist. Any blood I haven't lost yet floods to my cheeks as Sebastian carries me to my bed and throws me under the covers.

The bleeding from my arm hasn't exactly stopped per se but it has calmed down a lot. What used to be a waterfall of thick, metallic tomato sauce is now a trickle of watery Kool-Aid. I'm no longer watching from outside my body. The pain in my arm is evident and I feel like I stepped into a vat of liquid nitrogen. I'm cold and burning at the same time.

"B-blanket. I want a blanket." Automatically the space around me is heavier with the weight of another thick comforter being pulled over me.

Another round of curses spew from Sebastian's mouth (he knows some very colorful language for a psychiatrist). He rushes to my side with a roll of gauze and bandages. He wraps them quickly and tightly, I don't blame him though. He has to have noticed that my nails are black with dried with blood, so he takes the time to cut them too. Right down to the nub of my fingers.

He kisses my arm like I'm a child. He murmurs things to himself and I blush. He pats my head and sighs.

"Ciel. Can you bear with me for a while? I'm worried for you, this shouldn't be happening. You were better off at home. Here you are getting into fights, and getting hurt. You may have been trying to commit suicide at home but at least you were innocent of things like this."

I thought of this for a while. I hate the fact that I'm here but if I hadn't been forced to come here I never would have had the honor of meeting my knight, Sebastian. And I could never regret him.

I smile weakly, for the first time it is a real smile. Not one that is hiding the tears beneath my eyelids. Or a smile that is filled with insane thoughts and psychotic guffaws. An honest to god smile that conveys how happy I am here. How I wouldn't wish for being suicidal on my worst enemy.

I roll over to my left side to avoid hurting my bandaged arm, and shut my eyes. I fall into a tranquil slumber that I haven't experienced since I was 10.

* * *

**Nikki: I loved this chapter! I was supposed to put this up last night but I decided to update all of my stories so I finished them and uploaded them all right now! Did you see the feelings developing? DID YOU?!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Nikki: Sorry my lovely fans but I've driven into a grave by my creative writing teacher that insisted on making two of my stories into plays. Including this one, so I had been revising and editing out any things that may have been too gruesome. This had been my first choice to present to many viewers in Brooklyn, when I get news form my teacher that I wouldn't even _be showing this story_ in the competition. In which I feel into a deep depression and here I am once again merely two weeks later with an update! **

"How many centuries have passed?" When I wake up in the morning I am noticeably calmer (much can be noticed from my first joke of the day) I oddly don't have an IV attached to my arm, like I've noticed happens a lot when I go to sleep, but there are more troublesome bandages. Sebastian is draped over a chair, a cup of coffee and a forgotten newspaper tucked under his arm. I remember last night eventually and shrink away from him.

"Oh? Are we back to the days to when you couldn't stand to look at me?" I scowl into his garnet orbs. "So what do you need?" He brings his coffee cup to his lips and raises an eyebrow.

"Clothes." I say it so bluntly that he chokes. I blush because I can't stand so he will have to handle my delicates. Sebastian has amusement glistening in his eyes because of my obvious discomfort.

"So what do you want to wear?" White briefs? Black boxers?" I scowl again. He's playing with me. He doesn't wait for an answer he just throws me the first undies that fall into his hands, which just so happen to be black boxers. He has no problem going through my pants and shirts though. "Want to wear shorts today? It's supposed to be hot today. But I recommend a hoodie too." He's so calm for someone who had my life literally in their hands yesterday.

"Hurry up and get dressed. I think you need to get out of this stuffy room." I raise an eyebrow at him.

"I'm not leaving this room."

"Oh? And why not?" He is giving me the dirtiest look I have ever seen on anyone's face. He is really peeved by my blatant resistance.

"Because when I leave this room bad things happen. Duh." I scoff jokingly, but honestly outside of my bedroom is a danger zone. Not even the bathroom is a safe place.

"You are going to have to leave eventually."

"I can always live as a hermit in this room for the rest of my life."

He raises his inky eyebrows at me, and I raise one of mine in a silent challenge. It's my life, since when does he have a say in it? And, no, my new found attraction doesn't mean he can control my life. I make my own decisions, crush or not.

"Come on, you won't have to talk to anyone. You can just hide in the corner like you usually do."

"Why are you talking to me like I'm a child? I'm sixteen for Pete's sake! You can't treat me like this." He smirks and I glare. Is it bad to want to be like this all the time? To want to have our silent glaring contests and our secret challenges? Honestly I don't know. But, fuck, I love being like this. It feels normal.

And I do like normalcy.

**[*.*.*.*]**

Sebastian doesn't force me to go to GPS. I am very thankful. I'm not jumping to go join their stupid secret sharing therapy sessions. He doesn't make me go to GPS- as I've said- but that just means I have to go to double sessions with Sebastian.

"I'm telling you, Raven loves Alexander! That's why they are going to have little vampire children!" I exclaim in Sebastian's face. He dares to speak of Alexander and Raven of _Vampire Kisses _in such a rude way, but he did and here we are now.

"Well, I think Alexander is going to sink his fangs into her neck and drain her blood the night they have sex." He's so calm it's infuriating. He just knows what will rile me up. We've been locked in his office for hours now.

"Well, I think otherwise."

"You are such a hopeless romantic," He smirks and chuckles darkly. I turn away and blush.

"You haven't even read the books. When you do we'll talk."

"Ah the contraire my little patient. I've finished the first book and I've started the second."

I stare at my psychologist from my spot perched in his chair with my feet on his desk. I really adore his leather chair and mahogany desk. They make me feel powerful. And who doesn't just love that feeling?

"And who told you to touch my books? I'm hoping you haven't gone senile and thought I gave you permission."

Sebastian snorts. "Of course not. I was cleaning up after you fell asleep and I read the book. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Maybe you have gone senile? What grown man reads a vampire love story?"

"And what teenage boy reads vampire love story?"

"Touché." We are evenly matched in all of our little contests. There is no other to say it. We both have our on and off days where the other may win but neither of us is better. Sebastian may disagree because he wins a majority of the time, though no one cares what he thinks. He is just a therapist after all. He is just a sane person in a mental ward for minors.

"When do you think you can go back to GPS with everyone? As much as I just _love_ your company Ciel, you need to surround yourself with people." He's obviously being sarcastic, but who doesn't love my company? That's just it, everyone loves to spend time with me. I'm that wonderful.

I groan loudly when I pull my head from it's bragging about myself. I know where this conversation is heading. "Is this about my social skills again? I thought I told you that it died a long time ago. There is absolutely no way that I can gain my sanity without further tarnishing my social skills. You always have to sacrifice something to get something in return. Don't you watch movies?" I laugh loudly, and it doesn't come out maniacally but more alive. It is a good sound compared to the others that have come out of my throat lately.

There have been such things as groans, screams, choked sobs and the horrifying laughs that come from my mouth. They've been leaking out since I was ten, so it's a definite change of course for me.

"You're going to need this stuff once you get out of here and get a job."

"And who said I don't just plan on being here for the rest for my life? It feels more homely now that I've escaped death by irritation, death by pink, death by snake poison and death by loss of blood," I recline back in the chair. "Maybe I like it here, and want to stay here and annoy you for the rest of your life. Then I'll annoy the new poor sap who comes in to take your place." I nod, and honestly, I like the idea. Seems like a good plan for the rest of my lonesome life.

"Oh? And you actually think you can just be rid of me so easily? What if after I die, I just haunt you for the rest of _your_ life? Doesn't that sound like a much lovelier plan?" Sebastian is a cruel, sick individual.

I can't help but love those qualities in him. But the raven doesn't need to know that.

"You are perverted creep."

"I know I am a creep. You never fail to emphasize it."

**Nikki: I honestly don't even know where this came from. I just felt like bringing out more of Ciel's name-calling and what not. Thus this was born! Just be thankful I had spoken of _Vampire Kisses_ in this chapter instead of _The Pit and the Pendulum_ by Edgar Allen Poe. Why I would want to is beyond me. It had me scared shitless. Oh, one final thing! Thanks to Jenmoon1, because she literally made me remember that I had stories to write yesterday to get this up today. **


	19. Chapter 19

**Nikki: I literally only have a few more chapters in I'm NOT A Sad Story. I don't want it to end, but I'll probably be start rewriting it. I was naive when I first started it, in 4th grade, and never made a plot line. But I know where I'm heading now. So we won't be seeing each other much longer.**

Sebastian and I have grown to have a bearable relationship. He's caring and sweet and helplessly sarcastic. But lately my thoughts can't focus on him for long.

I'm already past the deadline from when your parents could visit you. It's been 6 weeks since I got here. Two weeks since my parents could come see me every Wednesday and Sunday. Mine haven't yet.  
I can imagine them sometimes. I think about them a lot. My mom mostly, my dad is still an asshole… I had a dream once. They were pretending I was never born and living the lives they have always wanted. My dad and mom were hugging and kissing, smiling. They joked around and used my room as storage. It was like I never existed, since in their tiny perfect world I didn't.

I wanted to cry, because it was most likely true. But when I woke up, Sebastian was there. He makes things okay. Everything is fine when he is there. I can't sulk around him; he immediately goes to comfort me if I am. He is my savior, and nobody can take him from me

He is mine. I own him and he owns me too. That's my tiny perfect world.  
"Ciel? You have GPS in thirty minutes. I suggest you get ready." Sebastian appears in my doorway, his ebony nails and scarlet eye staring me down. He's irritated, I know because of the harsh tone he has. It's not my fault though, I haven't done anything.

I don't ask what's wrong. I never do; it makes us feel uncomfortable when I try to be kind. I'm calm and wait for him to tell me. He usually does.  
"Ciel, move your behind. We have to go." He pulls me up from my chair harshly, then swats at me to go to the bathroom. He throws random clothes at me to put on and a towel. "I have to go to the store. I need more eggs for the exercise.

Sebastian has this stupid way or getting us to trust each other. Every Tuesday he has us do a trust exercise. Not like the ones you see on TV where you put your well-being in the other person's hands. No, we have to put our minds in their hands. As in, our secrets and thoughts and things we don't want anyone to hear about

Doll is the only person I trust, because she doesn't have anything wrong with her. At least not anymore

These days it's awfully calm and quiet. I share whatever I feel comfortable with the group knowing. Lizzy and Alois have finally let up and stopped forcing me to become "popular" with the others. They're quite nice when they aren't being so pushy and they're being compassionate

I'm just trying to help myself; Dr. Angela even told me that I'd been making such amazing progress that I could be let out sooner than anticipated. I just have to have Sebastian by my side…

I make my way to room 106 for GPS like the routine. I am in one of the outfits everyone says suits me the best. My body is adorned with knee high combat boots (that secretly raise my height) plain denim shorts that end where the boots start and a black t-shirt.

I enter and automatically take my seat next to between Alois and Doll. It is the unspoken rule that I sit here. Everyone here is convinced I am some God or magical being just because I survived a suicide attempt. I've made so much progress in my healing; I don't even cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't have flashbacks of those nights, nor do I even think of killing myself.

Sebastian and I have talked numerous times of the events. I'm not scared to discuss it; Sebastian won't scare me or tell anyone. He's a reliable person, and my largest support system

I seat myself in my place, waiting for Sebastian to come back from the store. I kick my legs back and forth, listening to the conversations around me

"Did you hear what happened to Snake?" Beast asks Joker, a forlorn expression on her face.

"No. What'd he do?"

"I heard he was moved to the asylum in Pennsylvania. Saint John's couldn't hold him anymore, he was too much to handle and making too little progress." Joker gasps and drops his voice to a whisper.

"What is going to happen to him in Pennsylvania?

"They're probably going to get him started on some pretty strong depressants and sedatives. 'He is unstable' I heard some nurses say."  
"I can't believe they just transferred him like that. He's been here for almost as long as anyone else." I smile slightly, and I want to throw my head back and guffaw, but sane people don't do that. I've doubted it before, but I'm positive I'm a perfectly healthy and not crazy.

Except for my unhealthy obsession with my psychologist. That man makes me crazy.

Speaking of Sebastian he's late…

"I wonder where Sebastian is.

"Where did he say he was going, Ciel?" Doll questions.

"He said he was going to the store. But that was twenty minutes ago." I remark, frowning.

"Maybe his car broke down." Says Alois

"Or maybe the line at check-out is long." Elizabeth adds

"Maybe he got into an accident." Bard suggests

With that last statement my stomach is thrown into a frenzy. I clench my fists and gnaw on my lower lip. Doll pats my hand in reassurance

"Ciel, be realistic. What's the probability of Sebastian getting into an accident today of all days, nonetheless right now?

I nod and relax slightly. But that foreboding and depressing feeling has settled into the pit of abdomen and has come to stay. We are all deathly quiet for a while. I'm the first to break it

"I'm being ridiculous, right guys? There's no way anything happened to Sebastian on the way to the store less than a mile away." I give a chuckle to shake off my nerves and everyone does the same. I try my best to reassure myself but that sickening emotion won't rid itself from my presence.

The room's volume slowly simmers down to silence.

[*.*.*.*]

Sebastian still hasn't shown up to our sessions. Everyone has retires to their rooms. I'm confident if I just wait it out, he'll come find me in his office.

"I'm so lonely... Oh so lonely..." I sing, bored. I rap my fingernails along the surface of the raven's desk.

"Ciel? What are you doing in here?" I lift my head at the sound of a deep smooth voice. Unfortunately it isn't Sebastian's. Claude Fastaus' eyes meet mine and I'm grimace at the cold gold orbs that clash with my blue ones

"I'm waiting for Sebastian. You didn't happen to see him by any chance?"  
His eyes soften and he enters the room, shutting the door behind me. "I see. No one told me what happened.

I sit up, fearing that my psychologist has died on me. "No. What happened? He didn't like die or anything, right?"

The man shook his head in a negative. "He's somewhat fine. He just had a car accident from speeding down the street. He was hit from the side, he'll be in the hospital for a few weeks. You'll be in the hands of me for a while; I've been looking for you.

I stare at the imposter, I lick my lips nervously."Can I visit him?"

"I'd have to file a pass from my supervisor, but- based on how much Sebastian brags about you- I doubt behavior will be a problem.

"Will he live?" I stare down at my knees. Sebastian has always been so powerful and I've been the vulnerable one. It sends a pang into my cheat to think of both of us in weak states. How would we have survived this long

God, I'm so scared. How can I live without him?

But it scares me so much more to think of another thing:

How, after being so independent for so long, have I become reliant on just one person so quickly?

**Nikki: Well guys, can you believe that today marks the year anniversary of INASS! It's been a pleasure, even though I've just wanted to quit SO many times. Thank you to those of you who are going to stay with me until the end! **


	20. Chapter 20

**I'm NOT A Sad Story chap. 19**

**Nikki: So I have decided that including this chapters there will be only two more chapters of INASS. Only this chapter and then an epilogue. I don't want to see it end, but I can't keep it going on forever.**

Oh! Have the strong have fallen! Woe is me! Woe is me! Why hadn't they taken me instead? Why Sebastian?! Why?!

...

Is how I should be feeling over the unexpected "loss" of my first love and best friend. In the place I'd like to call **reality**, that shit doesn't describe my emotions at all.

Annoyed. Frustrated. Homicidal. Now those are some great words to emphasize my feelings.

"Ciel, I know you are very upset about Sebastian's accident, but you have to show some improvement to Dr. Durless." Claude urges. I fucking can't stand this bastard.

"Claude, Sebastian never makes me do things i don't want to. He says that patients won't heal by forcing them to speak about traumatic events." I told the psychologist, and to much chagrin he brushed off my account.

"Well, Sebastian isn't here now, is he? And obviously he isn't making much progress, since you've been here for going on four months." He dragged his hand down the length of his face while sighing. "Can you just tell me a little of what happened that forced you to start harming yourself?"

"I'm sorry, but that information is confidential. It is only allowed to be spoken of if I allow or I'm directly speaking to my psychologist. Which, I remind you, you are not." I smirk, He may have won one battle but I certainly won the war.

Claude leans over me, and I praise the Lord that Sebastian's presence in my life has made me more comfortable around others. Imagine the tragedy that would occur had I not learned...

"Ciel, you _will_ answer my question. I expect results, no matter the consequences. If you don't I will confiscate your dessert privileges for the week."

"You can't do that! You have no right! I deserve those deserts!" I wail. Sebastian gave me that privilege after a few weeks of relentless thought-sharing.

"Who says I can't? I don't remember letting you keep having dessert. I just allowed them because Sebastian and Ms. Red said you were doing so well. Now that we are back to square one, I reserve the right to take certain privileges away." He is so calm. I hate him.

"When is Sebastian coming home?" I mumble. I miss Sebastian. I want MY Sebastian.

"Sebastian is on temporary leave. He probably won't be back until after you've left this place. Tough luck." He sits back in his office chair nonchalantly and I want to stab him. Take one of those fountain pens in Sebastian's holder and stab him in the heart. I'd hit the outer artery- draining most of the blood from that particular organ- and then plead insanity in my murder trial. It would be so easy- I've already thought of all my points- but I want Sebastian to have someone who loves him and cares for him when he comes back.

"When did Angela say I can see him? Did you even ask for valid permission?" I snort.

"Yes, Ciel. I did ask for permission and she said no. She wants you to focus on your upcoming evaluation instead of some dying psychologist in the hospital."

I'm angry. I'm very angry. My eyes are glowing a vengeful red, my fists in tight knots. My thoughts in a frustrated jumble and I'm itching for that pen.

"But you said she would say yes! You _promised _me that I would see Sebastian before I left! Who knows when I will ever see him again after I leave?!" Claude stays calm and retorts haughtily.

"I promised you _nothing_. I said I would ask her and get back to you. Do not blame me for your ridiculous misconceptions. Now if you tell me a vivid recap of what happened to you post-attempted suicide, maybe I can get Dr. Durless to reconsider. But only if you cooperate with me and re-tell everything that happened to you." He smirks (it could never compare with Sebastian's though) and crosses his arms nonchalantly.

I hesitate. The question is something I don't know the answer to. It's like something on a test you never studied for. Except I never could study for a test like this. They don't teach you how to differentiate between two evils in school. I have to choose between reliving my countless rapes that would make any grown man cry. Or to never see Sebastian anymore and leaving this place without any sort of goodbye or memory of him.

The decision isn't easy. I love Sebastian- I know for certain that my love is true-. But my worst experiences aren't something i'm completely comfortable with. Some things you just can't forget. they haunt every second of my free time, no matter how much Sebastian has helped me, I will always remember. I've accepted it, though, with the help of my therapist.

So I suck in a breath and look down at my hands... and re-tell my experiences.

"I was raped when I was ten. There were two large burly men. They broke the window of my room and came in. My parents weren't home. They were on a trip- I can't recall what kind. I was stupid enough to tell them that small fact. I regret it to this day. They smothered me with a rag, and sedated me with chloroform. I wish I could have stopped them. When I woke up I was tied to _my own bed_ with my mother's scarves. They raped me a couple minutes after. They wanted me awake and responsive is what they told me." My eyes take up a glassy luster. "It hurt _so_ bad. Like... Like something was ripping me apart. Like something was tearing me in two and I couldn't _even breathe._ I can feel it to this day." I shudder and look up at Claude. He's gaping and speechless. "They threw me into their van in the middle of the night. They took me away from my house. Kidnapped me is the correct term I guess. I don't know how they could get away with driving suspiciously around in a black van with no license plate so easily. The officers patrolling the neighborhood were so stupid for not noticing... The goons kept me for a month. They raped me constantly. I wasn't fed much, just enough to be kept alive. They never cleansed me. I was filled and covered in their semen. When the cops found me I was a practically dead. Skin and bones with their filth all over me. I couldn't face anyone anymore.

"They all regarded me with pity and sympathy. They didn't know what I went through, how could they act like they did? That was what humiliated me and made me loathe everyone. I didn't deserve pity, nor did I want it! That's why I cut myself. Because I hate the people of this world. They don't understand anything, yet we act like we do. We feel that people with a better hand are in need of hand-outs and charity. Do you even know how many people came by my house with plates of food and cards of money with their fake smiles claiming that they 'understood what I went through.' Well it was all fucking bullshit! They don't know anything! So I hate them! Even though I know it won't do anything because that is how human society works."

I finish my rant and gasp for breath in the quiet afternoon atmosphere. When I catch my breath, Claude locks eyes with me and says:

"Good job Ciel. Your healing is complete. You finally understand what has happened and why you started cutting yourself in the first place. I know it's sudden and I never told you, but you were being evaluated. Now you're done. You don't need our help anymore and you're finally free. You were mad with human society but you know that it won't get you anywhere so you cope with it. You're much better off than when you first came here. And lastly, you know you aren't a sad story. You recognize that everything you went through is just a part of life and it was all for a reason. I hope i never have to see you in this place again. You're free to leave anytime you want."

I stare at the man in front of me in shock. Am I really hearing this? I can't believe that actually choosing the lesser of my evils got me sent from here quicker than if I hadn't.

"But when will I see Sebastian?"

Claude's eyes soften for a second before hardening back into the topaz crystal they are. "You won't Ciel. You're going to be moving on with your life by the time Sebastian comes back." He treads cautiously, like I'm some two year old toddler.

"But you said..."

He shakes his head firmly. "You have to move on from this place, Ciel. You can't wait for him when you could be starting your newly created life elsewhere. Forget about Sebastian, you'll probably never see him again."

"Ok..." I choke out.

* * *

My room is bare. The bed is back to its original sheets- plain, bland, dull, white sheets. The walls were painted recently. A beige that will be re-painted again when the next patient comes around. My shelves have been wiped clean, none of my books or fingerprints are left to be seen by the naked eye.

I hate to see it go.

I've made so many memories in this room. The fun things I did here. Sleepovers with Sebastian. Movie nights with Doll, Alois, Lizzy and Sebastian. And the bad ones. Sleepless nights drenched in candy-induced nightmares. The accident with the stitches and the relentless itch in my arm.

It all happened here.

But now they're only memories. I have to say goodbye. Dear Old Dad and Miss Marvelous Mom are in the parking lot. I fear they haven't changed as much as I have. But I'm not awfully surprised by it. Four months can only change some people; others not so much.

Tears fall from my eyes and I sniffle before turning away and leaving the room. I shut the door soundly behind me and walk away.

"Goodbye St. Joseph's..." I mutter as I pass through the front doors and to the car without looking back.

And with those words my life in the psychiatric ward of Saint Joseph's is over.

**Nikki: And there it is! The end of I'm NOT A Sad Story! I'm sad to see it finish but I DO have an epilogue that will be out shortly and then I can finally put this story to rest. And P.S Happy Birthday to me! Virtual cake, plushies and cookies are appreciated but not mandatory! PEACE!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Nikki: Just to clear up a few things- especially things pointed out by Disappointed- when Claude says that Ciel's 'healing is complete' he means that at the hospital he has nothing more to do to help him along his healing journey. Also, it's in my matter of opinion that once you accept what has happened you are open to a world of possibilities. When I say that rape is a part of life, I mean that everything happens for a reason and we just have to push past them. And, not to sound helplessly religious, but God puts obstacles in our way to make us stronger and bring all kinds of people into our lives. And, lastly, I for one would **_**never **_**take an idea such as rape not seriously. One of my closest friends was raped and she is my biggest inspiration – for this story and in life. Basically I just took all her conversations with her therapists and put them here based off what I got from them. I'm sorry that some people were disappointed with me but I just can't write this story anymore. I was naïve to write a story that I knew nothing about, and I should have left my friend to write it or co-op with me. I've been trying to be strong and persevere but honestly I know this story is a total failure. I'm not mad at Disappointed because he/she is entitled to their opinion and I understand where they are coming from. I just wish I could have made everyone happy and I could have worked harder to stop this story from falling. And Disappointed I hope this last chapter can at least leave you with the love you first had for this story, I made it so Ciel's depression and suicidal thought are more realistic. And thank you for your honesty. **

I'm NOT A Sad Story Epilogue

I'm standing on a stage. There are hundreds of teens around me. They're staring at me with adept attention. Well as much attention as teenagers can have for a guest speaker. I move the hair out of my eyes and start speaking into the microphone.

"Hello. I'm Ciel Phantomhive; I'm 21 years old. I'm practically straight out of college with a communications major and a literacy minor at the University of Albany in New York. And I'm here today as a guest speaker. Honestly, I know what you're thinking. This will be a long speech about abstinence or something like that; something we've all heard a thousand times before. But this has nothing to do about that. I'm here to tell you that sometimes admitting you need help is the best thing you could for yourself."

I suck a deep breath into my lungs and let it spill from my lips before continuing to speak.

"I was raped when I was ten years old. I was maybe six years younger than the lot of you. They took no mercy on me. They didn't care that I was a child; they just took what they wanted. I was suicidal for most of my life after that. I was put into Saint John's psychiatric institute when I was well into my sixteenth year. Some of you are that age now." I take the microphone off the stand and hold it tightly in my left hand. I walk across the stage and feel proud at how their gazes follow me. I plop down at the edge of the stage and sit up straight and projected my voice like they taught me in school.

"I hated authority. Anything that went against my philosophies and beliefs I couldn't stand. Especially therapists. I thought, _'they want me to see a therapist? Why the hell would they do that? You know, therapist: the rapist.'" _I hear some chuckles at my previous joke and I shrug off the teachers' glares at using a curse word. Then I got close to a therapist, named Sebastian Michaelis, and realized that they weren't as bad I had assumed._"_

"I couldn't stand people who lived their lives taking for granted everything they had. There was this one kid, Alois Trancy, who acted like having sex was no big deal and for that reason I got in a fight with him. I beat the daylights out of him- well technically it was a tie- because of my insecurities but I have to admit he was a pretty cool kid."

I recount all my significant experiences in the place I called home for a mere four months. The kids don't look bored like I expected they would as my first guest speaking job. When I finish I have nothing left to do but say the whole point of my being there.

"I'm not here to lecture you guys about anything. That's not my job today. It probably never will be my job. I'm just here to tell you that talking to someone can _really _help. It's the first thing you can do to help yourself recover. It may even save your life, like it saved mine."

The kids burst into a slow, shocked applause. To be honest, I don't know if they hate it or not. I don't see a single exhausted or sleeping teen. I guess that's a good sign. I sigh; if no one's sleeping I must not have been completely boring or terrible. But I still have a lot I could revise for my next gig.

P.S. don't believe your communications teacher when they say that scripting out what you're going to do helps. It's total B.S. at least for me…

I take my eyes away from the students when a teacher comes up to me and starts to whisper. It's about time for the teens to go back to their last class of the day and leave. I face my audience and say my final talking point.

"I thank you for your cooperation but it's time for you to go back to class. I just leave you to think about what I said and that if you need anyone to talk to you can go to your school guidance counselor –" She waves her hand from her place at the stage's stairs when I point her out. "It feels really good to get things off your chest, trust a person who's had a lot of experience."

I put the mike back on its stand and walk off stage and out of the guarded school building.

**[*.*.*.*]**

I'm cruising down the highway at the most leisurely pace you can have in New York towards upstate New York. I'm not immensely far from Brooklyn, but not so close that my mother could just up and visit me any day she wished. I'm young, not stupid.

That's my typical response as to why I moved three hours from my childhood home. But in actuality, my rented apartment is only 20 minutes away from St. John's.

And Sebastian still works there…

I know because Alois had done something with his life and is now getting his doctorate and is an intern there. Amazing, huh? Funny how we could still manage to have a sense of normalcy even though we lived in a psychiatric hospital not too long ago.

I get off at the exit I usually use to go to my place. I pass by the market, Laundromat, a bunch of suburban houses. In simple, I am very close to my apartment, though something keeps nagging at my mind.

Milk. I don't know if I have any and I don't want to screw myself over by getting home and realizing I need some. That would mean heading back out and buying more. There's one therapy could never help me with; laziness.

_Fuck it, _I say mentally and make a quick U-turn towards the supermarket.

I get there soon and get the milk with some other groceries I simply need to have in my house (Pop Tarts, chocolate sauce and ice-cream).

I'm standing in line at the register with one person in front of me. I wait patiently before looking to my left at the chocolate bars and gum they have on the counter when a glimpse of garnet, white and black catches my eye.

What's black and white with a dash of red all over? Sebastian Michaelis, for one.

I sputter and stare for a second before I leap off my line and run to his three rows down. He's about to pay when I squeeze in behind him and tap him on the shoulder.

He spins around and his garnet orbs widen as I smile.

"Ciel…" He looks me up and down and I do the same to him.

"Hey Sebastian. Long time no see. Miss me?" He smirks before pulling me into his chest and I feel the same sense of security I last felt five years ago. He envelops me and I know my love for him has never burned out.


End file.
